Rest.

I started writing this afternoon with no intentions on this going where it did....but maybe I went here for a reason? I just began describing the power of God in worship. The power of deliverance from emotional pain, just the power of God in general.....so, for whatever reason, here you go :)


The voices that surround me declare a song of victory, while something inside me begins to stir. The room grows smaller as a knot in my stomach increases in strength. Sweat beads form on my forehead as my hands begin to secrete a similar substance. My knees are shaking and my fingers feel numb, my stomach is now in my throat. I have longed for this time for as long as I can remember, and suddenly I want to back away quietly, unseen. I know that freedom is just around the corner, and that I am right where I need to be.  But I cannot help but toy with the idea that my problems are mine. Torment screams in my mind, reminding me that as much as I hate these chains, they are a part of me. I am suddenly not sure that I want to simply give them away, because I have been defined by them for so long. Who would I be without these burdens that have become my silent cohort? Where would I find my identity? Confusion attempts to fill my mind.

Something in the atmosphere is quickly changing. The music flows with such serenity from the team leading us.  The spirit of the Lord falls stronger. I have never felt this before, but I know it has to be Him. I feel my need over riding the thoughts and confusion, the need to let this all go. A new desire burns in me beckoning me to walk away from this false identity that has been handed to me. Such a terrifying thought, but the peace that is invading me at this very moment seems to seep deep into the cracks and crevices of who I thought I was. I think I might be letting go. The very thought of freedom makes me tremble, while my eyes fill with tears.

An internal battle continues. I do not want the attention to be on me, I do not want to seem weak. Lord knows to fight the battles I have faced, weakness is not a quality that I carry, it was never even an option. Someone had to be strong, I never even saw myself fading away until I was already gone. I honestly do not remember a time before now that I felt anything. Maybe that is why I am bursting at the seems here, trying to figure out what this is tugging at me, making it impossible to hold back tears. I have never felt so vulnerable, falling apart into the arms of One that I cannot see.

Without explanation, without thought, without a warning....tears begin to race down my face. Tears of pain that I had never before freed. Tears of memories that have haunted me, suddenly being released in the presence of a God that I never knew. I knew the stories, I knew the church talk...but I had never known a love like this. I never felt how personal God could be, how intimate. I never grasped the fact that Jesus chose the cross for me, so that I wouldn't have to carry the weight of my circumstances myself. It was never my job to carry the weight of my parents mistakes, of my sisters deep pain, of the childhood that I never had. It was never meant for me to carry the pain of sexual abuse, of an uncertain future, or of years of being told nobody would ever love me. I let the chains fall off, I let the pain subside......

I raise my hands in surrender, falling to my knees trembling because the power of God is simply all consuming. I completely fall apart. It doesn't even matter to me that there are people around, the musicians continue to draw the Spirit that is breaking me. I had to be broken, because I was being held together with false condemnation. While being broken I was also being meticulously put back together by a bond as thick as blood. I was being made whole for the first time in my life. I could not stop weeping while emotions oozed through every fiber of my being.

I simply felt God speak to me, "This is all you ever had to do, just surrender. I will do the rest. Just do not pick these things back up. When these things creep up on you, and they will....speak the power of my blood. Satan no longer has any authority over you. Just rest in me."

Peace.

I love sitting outside in the cool spring air. Mount Victory is probably as close as you could get to living in the country, without actually living in the country. The sound of horses hooves clank on the asphalt as the Amish head home from a long day out on the field. The frogs in some distance harmonize with the crickets and the gentle breeze, developing a melody that cannot be scripted. The train a few miles away whistles a familiar tune while the rest of the town is sound asleep. Chirping, tweeting, screeching, croaking...the music draws sleep to my weary mind. My Creator whispers to me the promises of renewed mercy and grace that will rise as surely as the sun. Love envelopes me at the realization that my Heavenly Father is conducting a symphony that He wrote just for me. A symphony that carries peace, a peace that fills the cracks in the weak areas of my life. As the train draws closer to the tracks at the end of my street, my eyes fall heavy with sleep. Tomorrows worries will not keep me awake tonight, because tonight....I'm resting in the presence of the Holy One.

It's The Little Things...

I love this time change! I look forward to waking up to the early sunlight! As my eyes adjust from sleep to life, I stumble out of bed. I love the early morning glow, and the peace that abides in the sunrise. I fight so hard to get up to enjoy this time, and although I long for it I find myself fighting it daily. It is so easy to hit snooze one more time, and get up in a hurry.

There truly is a peace in sitting outside before the rest of the house is stirring. Sipping coffee on the front porch, admiring God's artwork. This quiet time with the Father is like a drenching water to my dry-worn out mind. Daily tasks pull so much out of us, not in a bad sense, just in a realistic one. Setting aside time every day where you can really connect is so important. I talk to God, I listen for Him....I just sit in His presence. Really, it's better than coffee alone. Starting my day with coffee and Jesus, it just doesn't get any better.

The stillness and peace that I find in the early morning hours cannot be compared to anything. It gives me time to feel the cool breeze against my skin, and the goosebumps that rise from the chill. The sweet smell of a new day fills the surrounding atmosphere with an intoxicating scent. In this I think of the daily renewed mercy and grace freely given to me. I notice the little things that I do not see or think of any other time of the day. The sound of the birds shouting their declaration of praise rings in my ears, such a pristine song they sing. Watching the squirrels play with one another, running up and down the tree. I find such serenity in all of this.

I often leave pennies on the table for my five year old. I do not tell him they are there, he finds them and grabs them with the biggest grin on his face. My seven year old loves fruit roll ups, I occasionally sneak a box into the house and randomly give him a pack for lunch. We never talk about these little things, but I know that they could be in the worst mood, and one of these little gestures can turn their day around. In the minds of my children these things are just there, they have no idea that I placed them there only to see them smile. They do not realize that there was thought behind it, that the gifts were tailored to their personalities and desires. They do not know that I prayed for them when I hid a surprise in their path.

When I really think about my morning Daddy Daughter date with the King, I correlate the little things that bless me with the little things I leave for my kids. It isn't anything huge. It isn't anything anybody else would even notice as a "gift", but things that just make me grin. I love squirrels, I know it's weird, they are a dime a dozen in Ohio. When I wake up in the morning I am a hot mess, I'm cranky and totally not a morning person! But when I step outside and see the squirrels playing or gaze into the masterpiece of a sunrise, I thank God for drawing my attention to such things. My thinking becomes clearer-my mood lightens-soon I'm praying-soon I'm praising. In this time I see God's blessings trickle like rain over my life. I take time to notice the small things.

It isn't long before I wake everyone up, make lunches, argue about the morning routine, half-way put myself together for work (attempting to look a little better than homeless). It is not long before the enemy sneaks in, my attitude tries to change, anger tries to take root. Things get crazy fast, but I have that peace digesting in my soul. It is God's gift to me for giving Him the first fruits of my day. I am not perfect. I do not do this everyday, but God is beckoning me to make Him a part of my morning routine.

Do you spend daily time with God? How do you set time aside each day?

Insecurities

Why update my blog at nearly one o'clock in the morning? For several reasons....

1. My five year old son decided he wanted a midnight snack, an apple....that we have been talking about for 30 minutes now. We have discussed the "beans" (seeds), and how the skin on the apple will make him grow hair on his arms and legs faster. It is funny how he will believe anything I tell him! He immediately asked if I ate the skin on my apples...(because I do not have hair on my legs)...this kid does not miss a beat!!
2. My brain tends to have a "heart-to-heart" with my heart...after midnight! If I don't write what I'm thinking, I'll lose it!!! Who really needs sleep anyways?
3. More than once tonight, this same topic has come up in my household....if we need it, then I kinda figure maybe you guys do too.
4. Oh, and according to my son....the reason it gets dark at night is because there is a man riding a horse that hands God a magic stick and the dust from the magic stick makes the horse dark...making the sky dark. Obviously. I just thought I would throw that in there as a freebie for you, I typed it word for word, right out of his mouth. One last thing he says you HAVE to know, you may not touch the magic stick, because we are giants and it would break! Mickey Mouse, Donald, and Pluto, and the Ninja Turtles can touch it though (talk about life being unfair!!) 

Anyways, back on track....

All I have to share with you tonight is what has been on my heart. I see this in my personal walk with God, and in those around me. It came up in conversation tonight how easy it is to give advice, but how hard it can be to follow it. Here it is:

Insecurity - 

uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.

OR

the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.

There are two definitions (above), from Webster's Dictionary for the word  insecure or insecurity. I have noticed lately how much I have been attacked (in my mind) in areas where I struggle with insecurity. Satan will gain a foot hold wherever he can! The first definition of the word is what we typically think of when we hear it. Insecurity being a lack of confidence, or even an anxiety about oneself. I knew that before I even typed the word into Google. But the second definition quickly caught my attention, and was nothing I had thought of before.

The second definition is, "lack of protection"

I am grinning ear to ear right now. I'm thinking, "Oh, Lord....I see where this is going!"

Insecurities in our life are areas that we have not allowed God to touch. They start so small, but they fester so quickly!! It is not God's intent for us to feel insecure. Just as the definition says, an insecurity is an area with a lack of protection. 

Spiritually, these insecurities are just that. Areas that are painful to us, we try to mend on our own. We cannot possibly protect ourselves though! We have to have the right equipment to make a full recovery. God is the only one who can touch a tender sore, and make it whole. We can baby it and love it all we want (why are our insecurities often a security blanket??) God wants us to give ourselves to him freely. He will not invade places that he is not wanted. We need to pray daily, holding nothing back. He knows us so intimately. He knows what stresses us out, what gets us down, what hurts and has hurt in the past.  If we do not give these areas to God, they are unprotected territory. The enemy will invade this space and fill it with as much junk as he can. Too often, we take the bait.

Think of a scab. It hasn't hurt in a long time, you actually kind of forgot that it was even there. Then, you break that thick barrier, even with a tiny little prick, it suddenly starts to hurt again. Now that there is light shed on it, reminding you of it's existence, it's easy to pick at it. Then it starts bleeding again,  Without immediate attention, infection will set in and the skin around the area dies.

Insecurities are not much different. They are areas that we often do not even realize are problems. Until, something happens to remind us that it's there. As soon as we realize that it hurts, we don't just leave it alone, we pick at it! We think about it from every viewpoint possible, then we let it control our thoughts and eventually our actions. Do you realize that an insecurity can throw you completely off course?

I said all of this to say:
We should be asking God daily to protect every area of our life, because any place that is not protected will inevitably become invaded.

I feel like God is saying that it is time to clean out the closet. Get rid of what no longer fits. We were made new creatures when we accepted Christ, so not everything that used to fit will fit now. Lay down your old burdens, allow God to be your protector!!  

My prayer for you is that God would show you where the weaknesses are in your spiritual walk. I pray that you would find the road to freedom, that God would bind up these unprotected territories in your life. I am beyond grateful for the insecurities that I have been healed from, and the ones that are falling to the way side as I type this. The Word says that, "by his stripes, we ARE healed"...it doesn't say we "will be healed", or "might be healed", it says we "are healed"!! I pray that you walk fourth in that healing, in Jesus name!

The depth of a miracle....

Since I have been updating my blog more, and you all are reading it (I can't believe your're reading MY blog..anyways)....I have really been seeking God and praying that he would show me what to write about. I have always prayed about my writing, but I have never felt such a strong leading. I do not know if I will always post devotional type articles, but this is what is on my heart on this beautiful, warm (40 degrees, gotta love Ohio) Saturday afternoon. I pray that this comes at an appointed time for you! I believe in an on time word!! I will give you the scripture references I am using, but I will paraphrase the stories a little (please don't get mad at me.) I linked the scripture in case you wanted it in front of you, New Living Translation :)

Mathew 14:13-14 (paraphrased) 
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2014&version=NLT

Let me set the scene for you here, just a little bit. Jesus had just heard the news that John was beheaded. I believe that Jesus felt the same emotions that we do. He felt grief, that gut punched feeling that takes your breath when you get bad news. I cannot imagine hearing that a good ministry friend of mine had lost their head (literally). Jesus went off in a boat to be alone, but people heard where he was and they began to gather. When he saw the huge crowd, the word says that he, "Felt compassion for them, and healed their sick."

• He had just received horrible news and wanted to be alone. Have you ever felt that way, when things get crazy and every body wants something from you....we want to lock ourselves away from people. We honestly want a pity party, to sit and stew on how bad our current situation is. 
• Hello?! This was a huge loss to Jesus!! This spirit of isolation and loneliness is nothing new, it is our flesh trying to rear it's ugly head. I think that for a minute, Jesus dealt with the same feelings. As he was coming to the shore, he saw that people had followed him, because they needed him. They needed his touch, his presence, his peace. When Jesus saw the people gathering, he felt compassion for them. Did you hear that?? He felt compassion for them! That my friends, is what I want you to take away from all of this rambling. 
• This is not the only situation where Jesus could have very well told the people, "Not now guys, I'm sorry, can you come back tomorrow? I've had a horrible day..."
• ...he could have said, "I just need to be alone!! Will you stop following me?!" This response sounds like me. I'm sorry, I get that way with my kids, other peoples kids, my job at times....it feels like everyone needs a little piece of me and there is nothing left at the end of the day for me. Is that pride? Selfishness? Jesus did not respond this way!!
• Instead, he pushed through his grief, because he knew that he had a calling! I do not think it took him any time at all to decide that he was going to get up out of the boat and go meet the needs of the people that were anxiously awaiting his arrival. He saw the need of others, and lost track of his own grief. 
• The people that were waiting had no idea what news he had just received, and he didn't go up to them crying about his day before he prayed with them. He put them before himself, not so people would see it, but because that is just his character. Jesus had the ability to not be controlled by his emotions, but solely by the Spirit of God. 

Mathew 14:15-21 (paraphrased)

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2014&version=NLT

This leads in to the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand. The disciples, knowing of what was going on behind the scenes, tried to send the crowd away, because it was getting late, and they knew that he was exhausted. Jesus tells them though, that everyone there would eat. He knew what food was available. He knew what it looked like, but without hesitation he encouraged the large group to sit down and prepare to dine. Can you imagine trying to coral a group that size?? 

• As Jesus was brought the five loaves of bread, and prayed over them --the natural eye saw that there was enough food for everyone!! I believe that this was symbolic though, in a spiritual sense, and Jesus knew it. 
• He later calls himself the bread of life. There is no coincidence that bread was one of the two things they had to serve. Jesus was showing the disciples that although he was only one person, exhausted, tired, sad....scared.....there was more than enough of him to go around! 
• Just as Jesus continued pulling pieces of bread off of these five loaves, he constantly gives himself to us. Enough to fill us up, not tease us! There was more than enough bread to feed everyone, and there is enough of Jesus for each of us.
• Most times, when there is a miracle--there is a ripple effect. The people who were fed were blessed to see the miracle right in front of them..to eat not only a small portion, but to eat until they couldn't possibly eat any more..that is the big, obvious message in this story...the ripple effect though....was what the disciples saw. 
• They saw Jesus giving himself freely and fully, they knew him personally. They knew his temperament, his tone, his mannerisms.  They saw the depths of what Jesus was doing. 
• To further make my last point...here is a personal example: I have seen first hand the struggles my husband has faced in getting his teaching license....not everyone sees the struggle though! People see that he has his Master's Degree and are over joyed for us, but because I know my husband personally, that degree and license mean so much more to me than to those other people. I saw the sacrifices he made, the stress and frustration that he endured. I saw the hard work.
• In the same sense, the disciples were touched in a different way by the miracles Jesus performed. 

It is a fight...

Ephesians 6:12

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

I have been attacked lately. My son was very sick and spent a week in the hospital, anxiety attacks have tried to invade my mind, medical diagnoses have crept up on me, nightmares have been interrupting my sleep....

I have to be honest with you, and tell you that a part of me wants to feels defeated. Part of me wants to become numb to everything and expect bad news. Lay down and just cry and never get back up. Yes, there is something in me that feels like this would be a realistic solution.  

But....

But there is still a part of me that is alive and on fire. This part of me says to trust the faithful one. It is a place deep in my spirit that will not let me accept defeat. I cannot stray too far from my identity found in Christ. This part of me begs for me to press on, to keep praying, fighting and believing.  It is more of an existence, a part of me, it is truth in the purest form that cannot be tainted. We have to keep in mind that we are fighting a spiritual war. When we are attacked spiritually, we need to fight back spiritually. Circumstances change from day to day, people change....but God never changes! He has never once changed the way he has felt about me. 

1st John 4:4

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.

The spirit inside of me is greater than the spirit that lives in the world! This is an exciting statement. It is in these times of trial though, that this verse speaks the most truth to me.  We have to fight against the enemy, not on our own but with the help of the Holy Spirit. In my weakness, he is made strong. The Spirit of God overpowers the thoughts that the enemy tries to entangle me in. I am thankful to know the voice of God in my life. I am thankful that I am victorious, that no weapon formed against me can prosper, that I walk in power and love and a sound mind. 

Truth is....

I try so hard to be patient. To act like I'm not falling a part on the inside. I try to be the Mom that I always said I would be. I try not to yell. I try not to get so overwhelmed. I try to keep it all together. I try to keep the house clean, the laundry done, and dinner made on time. I try to clean the kitchen as soon as everyone is finished eating. I try to be a loving wife. I try to laugh when I simply feel like nothing is even worth smiling over. I try to hide the way I really feel, because as a Christian woman, I should just give it all to God and let him make me whole. The fact that I have given everything I know to lay down, and still feel this way is beyond me. I try to smile when I feel like my lungs are collapsing. I try to go to the grocery store like it isn't the most stress inducing activity I can imagine. I try to act like noise doesn't make the walls close in faster. I try to drive confidently and act like the tormenting thoughts are not flying through my head at highway speeds. I turn up my worship music as loud as I can to drown it all out. All of it.

The truth is....

I am exhausted, physically and mentally. I am sad and angry, happy and excited all at the same time. I cannot sleep. I get overwhelmed at the drop of a hat. I feel like I have absolutely no control over my emotions. I feel like I have no control over anything.  One minute I am fine, and with no warning....I am in over my head. My
heart races, my palms get sweaty, I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Sometimes this lasts the rest of the day, and other times it goes as quickly as it came.

Some days though, I really do have it all together. Life doesn't make it hard for me to breathe, I can go and go and go without thinking twice about it. I can get everything done and still smile when then second I sit down somebody asks me to get them something. I actually, on these days, love that I am needed and that I am so well rounded that I can do everything. I find satisfaction in keeping up with housework. I love the sound of my kids laughter and joyful screams filling my house. These are the days I feel like myself. I love these days!! On these days, I can breathe.

I know that I know that I know that God could take this from me. I believe in healing and deliverance. I have given myself to him completely. I have been freed from so many other things. I have seen addictions just fall off, deep rooted hurts dissolve, and broken hearts mended (all of these in my own life)! I am believing for healing. In whatever form God sends it. I want to feel like I am in control of who I am from day to day.

That is all.

My Sunday school class taught me....

I taught Sunday School yesterday to a group of kids ages four to seven. We talked about anger and feeling sad, and how those are feelings that are normal to have, but how they can lead us to make bad choices (sin). As an example, I had the kids act out a few different scenarios and show me exactly how they would act in each one....I told them to be real, kick and scream...stomp..lay on the ground and cry. Surprisingly, they were very open to this and they all really enjoyed it! They laughed at each other seeing how crazy we look sometimes when things do not go our way.

My intentions was for this to lead to self control, and how we can have strong feelings, but we have to control our actions! We redid the skits and instead of laughing at the "temper tantrum" kid, the plan was to talk as a group about how self control could have been used, and what we as friends could have done to help.  To my amazement, one kid at a time (on their own) would go up and ask if the troubled temper tantrum needed to pray. They all played right along as if this were scripted. The upset kiddo said yes, and so the rest of the class gathered around him and prayed out loud for peace and self control, and joy and happiness. So, without my "teaching".....the kids just took over and finished the lesson. Seeing that two of the kids are my sons, it was beautiful to see them all so willing to help a friend in need. It is simple to see what visible needs a person might have....but the ability to discern somebodies emotional needs is much farther than I had planned on taking this lesson.

I am blessed to be a part of a wonderful ministry, it was good to see the kids following the unction of the Holy Spirit. We are raising up the next generation of the church, the leaders and preachers!! They really got into this. They had absolutely no idea the depth of what they had just learned, but there was a seed planted there that will grow.

I can only pray that as they go into their elementary classrooms, that the Spirit would still nudge them when their emotions try to take over. I pray that they can learn at an early age to stop and just pray when they get overwhelmed. This is as much for me as it is for the five year olds! The kiddos grasped this so quickly, without deep over thought questions, but just at face value. That is what we need to see in our current church. We need to take the Word of God at face value.

So, my prayer for each of you today is this:

Lord, I pray that as we begin our day Lord that you would stir in our spirits the fact that you have gone before us! I thank you Lord that our hearts and minds can stay focused on you today, and not on our surroundings. Teach us Lord not to live off of our emotions, using our feelings to make decisions. God I pray that as our minds get overwhelmed from being pulled in one thousand directions, that we could find a calm in You! I pray conviction Lord, show us what we as individuals need to do so that our emotions are not controlling us!! Thank You Lord for your renewed mercy.....

Love my Jesus.

Lately, I have been thinking of all the ways I could describe Jesus in my life. I could fill pages upon pages of what and who He is to me, but these are the things that flowed from my pen to my paper a couple of weeks ago as I was pouring out my heart through ink.

He is my unchanging, Holy father
Never sleeping, constant healer
My battle fighting, bondage breaker
He is my everything, my burden lifter
My persevering, problem sifter
Perfect timing, need provider
Solid forming, foundation builder
Jesus is my cross choosing, grave riser
Unwavering, fear fighter
Tender caring head lifter
My never stopping peace provider


Who is he to you? What would you add to this list?

Anxiety.

Anxiety takes my breath away

As torment fills my mind

My spirit is under attack again

Fighting to stay alive

My faith is being tested,

But I really do believe

It's hard to know for sure I'm fine

When I feel like I can't breathe

I plead the blood of Jesus,

and command the thoughts to flee

I look upon the cross

Where he shed his blood for me

I close my eyes and try to sleep

While my mind is miles away

I pray that peace would flood my soul

That it would come to stay

This battle has no control of me

It tries so hard to bind

God hasn't given me a spirit of fear 

But of power, love and a sound mind

Have you thought about your thoughts lately?

There is so much I want to say in this post that I cannot even type fast enough. My brain is running at least 8,000 miles an hour. This might be long, but I really need to have this in writing. There is a sequence of things that have happened in my life lately, good and bad....and God has shown me so much through each event.

For those of you who do not know, our youngest son (5), was admitted to Nationwide Children's Hospital this month, we were there for just under one week. Nikolai was very sick, with a rare diagnosis of Kawaski Syndrome. Over the course of a week and being misdiagnosed twice, he ran a fever that hung out between 101-104.9 for almost six days. He had a horrible rash all over his entire body. His eyes were red, no white to them at all, and his eyelids and all the skin surrounding his eyes was read and inflamed. His hands were very swollen, at one point he could not grasp anything. Vomiting. No appetite. Very tired, no energy at all. His lips were dry and cracked and nearly bleeding, the inside of his mouth was just one big sore, making it very painful to eat anything.

Through ALL of this, I knew that God had his hand over us. There was no doubt in my mind that Nikolai would be fine, we would just give him the IV medicine he needed and go home and he would be better. I hadn't even thought of any other possibilities. Then, they told us that there was a chance that he could have permanent heart damage.  I have no idea why, but that was a gut punch for me. For some reason, all I could do was doubt. I started thinking about life with these issues, and the more I thought about it the worse my fears became. I was making up scenarios in my mind that had not happened, nor would they. All of his heart test came back fine, we just follow up every so often. As I prayed through the week, with plenty of free time sitting in the hospital with bubby, God said to me, "Don't you think I am able to touch his heart? When these thoughts start, cast them down. If you don't, the thoughts will torment and control you."

I have always heard (and even said)..."Well, I'm not even going to entertain that thought..." It is one of those church sayings we all say, but I don't think we have any idea what we are saying. It means, I know this thought isn't from God, I don' have time to deal with this, I'm not going to put my energy into wondering what if.....

How many of our fears and problems come from simple thoughts that we let run rampant? As I started doing this, praying the second a nasty thought would come to my mind about my sons health, I started to realize how many other areas I let torment me in general. All by my thoughts. Thoughts that get rooted into who we are, thoughts that turn into actions.

I have always been afraid of everything.
*I am terrified of heights, but I've never fallen.
*I am terrified to drive or ride on the highway, and a nervous driver in general--I have constant anxiety in the car that I might get into an accident.....but I have never been in one.
* I am always afraid that Ry will stop loving me, but he never has.
* I am terrified of rocking chairs, I hate the feeling of falling backwards....but I have never fallen backwards in any kind of furniture before.
* I am afraid of deep water, and I have never drowned.
* I am scared of bridges, I have yet to have one collapse with me on it.

These are things off the top of my head. As I have been praying and listening to what God has been showing me through this, I noticed that 97% of my fears are things that I have never experienced. So, the only way these fears were formed was from entertaining thoughts that something bad is always going to happen. I was sickened by how many times in one day the thought entered my mind that I could die today. Just driving down the road, the phrase runs through my mind.."what if..."

Here is an example of the route these thoughts take once they get started, in narrative form.

I am driving home from work, it is sunny and the weather is not a concerning factor. I see a semi off in a distance, and instantly--I wonder, what if that truck driver hasn't slept in 12 hours and he falls asleep at the wheel, and the timing was just right that he hit my car head on. Would I feel anything? Yes. I would be in horrible pain. It might even kill me. Then my kids wouldn't have a mother. My husband wouldn't have a wife. Would Ryan get remarried? I cannot think about him with another woman. Would the boys remember me? Would someone else take my place as mom? I hate the thought of not being here for them, and the thought of them calling someone else mom. I call Ryan, trying to distract the crazy things bouncing around in my noggin, when he doesn't answer his phone. Instantly, my heart drops to my butt, and I am certain that something horrible has happened. His car got hit on the way home from work. I hope he isn't mad at me, what if he is ignoring my call on purpose. What was the last thing he said to me today, I hope that wasn't the last thing I will ever hear from him. What would I want our last words to each other be? If something horrible has happened I will print out all the emails and text I have to keep his memory alive.

This is raw guys. This is literally what I deal with all day long. These thoughts are always there, constant, and as I portrayed above, they feed off of one another. So, this week I really felt convicted about controlling these thoughts. They are not from God. Psalms 91 speaks protection over my family. We are covered by the blood of Jesus. Nikolai's heart is fine, Jesus bore stripes to save my sons life--so that he can walk in freedom. If it doesn't make you feel anything to think that Jesus died for YOU, think of what he went through to save our children!!!  I believe that there is a spirit of fear and torment running crazy in young people today. Sin starts with a simple thought, that is not controlled.

If you are reading this, my prayer for you is that God would teach you how to control your thoughts, and that He would show you what thoughts are sneaking around in the background as torment. We are to think on things that are good, lovely, pure, and holy....

"Dear Mandy"

I have seen so many youth lately that remind me of myself at the same age. The same battles, similar situations, some worse situations....the same mindset, the same mistakes, the same pain....the same longing for peace that they cannot find. I see the same struggle for them being in church praising God one minute, and in less than in hour they are back in the same mess they walked out of, because they really have no power or control over their environment. Such kids have grown up all too fast, and as young teenagers are running around like little adults. It took me all too long to come to the realization that God was the only one who could heal my from the pain of my childhood. Not the idea of God, not going to church every Sunday, not standing in a prayer line, not religion or religious acts....a personal relationship with the Father. I first had to learn how to see myself as God saw me, and as I learned who I was in Him, I learned I had a huge misconception of life. This is a list of things I would like to write to a younger me. I wish then I knew what I do now, I wish I knew that my life would turn out to be wonderful! I wish I knew that God had a handpicked husband for me, who would love me through all the difficulties of life. For better or for worse, I first found unconditional love in My Ryan, and through him I saw the true character of God. So, here is my letter/list of things to myself....

Dear Mandy,

1. I want to tell you that you are loved. You are loved beyond words, by so many more people than you know! 

2. Love is not supposed to hurt. In fact, it doesn't hurt. Please do not build up a wall against love. Although you have had more people hurt you in ways that are not describable, there are people who truly love you now, the good bad and ugly. These people are in your life right now!! Please do not push them away, they are there because God has placed them there. Satan will do everything he can to destroy the image of love in your vulnerable mind.

3. Your parents love you. They are going through very difficult things in their own lives, things that you do not know about. You will be hurt, young one....but you will also find healing.

4. Stay close to Jessy. You will always need each other. Miles may separate you, different opinions will separate you, but nothing will separate the bond that you have with your sister. You will be very close in your adult life. You do not have to see someone every day to be close to them.

5. Don't hurt yourself. Please do not fall into the trap of hating yourself. Know, with all of your heart, that Satan is out to kill, steal, and destroy you. He hates you. Love yourself, you are worth it.

6. Keep writing. Always keep writing. 

7. You will make mistakes. Get up and keep going. There is no condemnation in Christ. You will waste so much time in guilt that Jesus took to the cross. If you let it, guilt will keep you from God. Pick yourself up, let him heal you from the fall, and keep pressing on.

Poetry...

I Just realized that I had no poetry in my blog, and I have written probably hundreds over the years. Here is one that I wrote a year ago! I am so glad that God has healed me of the things that tried to destroy me.  I never title my poems because I can never seem to find a fitting title....enjoy :)

To say the past is real
Is not saying my God cannot heal
Wounds so deep, roots took place
Digging them up required raw faith
Pressing forward to new tomorrows
Letting go of deadly sorrows
The past is real, but it''s not where I live
A man on a cross all my yesterdays I give
Blood trickles down and cleanses my soul
Regardless of my past, today I am whole
I lay down the memories, the sorrow and loss
I'm living day to day
In the shadow of the cross

Just a taste.

We were blessed to receive so many invitations for different holiday dinners this year. It was wonderful to not have to cook full meals much during my two week break! I have a deep love for food! That is how I got my gorgeous figure haha! I really do though, I love food! Ask Ryan, I will slap the hand of anyone who tries touching food off of my plate! This leads us into my most recent revelation :D

Picture this, if you would:

You go to Grandma's house for dinner, the smell of ham baking in the oven and sweet corn simmering on the stove fill the air. After exchanging "Hello's" and "How are you's"....it is time to sit down and eat. Naturally you wait for the host of the dinner to say the prayer over the food, anticipation sits in the pit of your stomach. With watering mouths everyone says "Amen" in unison, as Grandma then breaks the news that you are to only taste each of the items on the table. There is more than enough food to fill everyone plus the neighbors, but you are only offered a small taste. You hesitantly serve yourself a sample portion of everything offered, eating it slowly to trick yourself into feeling fulfilled. You keep to yourself the fact that you desire more, that you are not full or satisfied. What do you do next? Do you ask for more food? Do you walk away hungry?

Here we go :)

Psalms 34:8 says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good..."
How often do we go to church expecting only a taste? God desires us to dig deeper! He offers us a taste, and beckons us to go back for more. It is indeed an option though. We have the choice to make! Have you ever been in a worship service that you didn't want to end? Why end it? Why stop before the spirit is done? We should never be satisfied. I feel so strong in my Spirit that God is saying 2015 will be a year of "more". He will pour out His spirit more than we have ever seen, we will walk in a deeper level, we will not walk away until we are full, and we will come back as soon as the hunger pains start, we won't even wait until we are starving. Just a taste is not enough for me! My soul cries for more. There is a stronger anointing on worship than ever! God is saying, "taste and see....." Naturally if you taste something that is pleasing to you, you do not just stop there. You fill up before you walk away! God is saying to His people, come closer-closer than you have ever been. Just like the illustration of dinner at Grandma's, there is more than enough food to fill every person at the table! God has so much more for His people. We have to want it, we have to chase it, we have to live and breathe it. When David wrote these words, "Taste and see that the Lord is good...", I just cannot believe that his intentions were for us to only taste, the intentions were for us to see how good God is, and for us to stay and dine.