God's timing.

I will never forget the day that he asked me to be his wife. It was my eighteenth birthday, and he totally caught me off guard. I knew he had the ring, he was all but discreet the day he went shopping! He kept calling me asking if I liked gold or silver, and was just curious as to what size ring I wore. He had the jewel long before he ever proposed, but I knew that I knew that I knew, that Ryan was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. So many people had negative comments. Very few people actually encouraged us to go through with the wedding, but we were so in love with each other that none of that phased us at all. In fact, until writing this now I'm not sure that I ever stopped to realize how many people said we would never make it. So we got married just two short months after I graduated high school. We had a beautiful wedding, the only flaws were in the reception, but who cares?! My family was a group of troopers that year! They threw me a graduation party, a bridal shower, bought wedding gifts...and just months later through me a baby shower. I was 18 years old when we found out that we were pregnant with our sweet little Ramsay Keith. We were on cloud nine! We both wanted so badly to be parents, we were overjoyed. In this blog you will hear me talk of my children daily, they are my entire life! We didn't hear too many comments about me being a young mother, although we knew the opinions were out there. Looking back on it now at the age of 25, I will even admit that I was very young! I will get back to that soon, I'm setting something up here, you will see. We were one month shy of celebrating Ramsay's first birthday when we got the huge surprise that we were expecting again! This was a little different reaction for the both of us because we had not planned on having another baby so soon. All in all though, we were delighted! This is where the opinions started coming out! Here I was 20 years old and getting ready to have our second child! Not to mention we had almost three wonderful years of marriage at this point. Ups and downs certainly, but we were still so in love with each other and with the family that God was blessing us with. Now let us fast-forward to today. I found out on Monday that I have a severe case of Endometreosis. Tomorrow I go see my doctor again to schedule a date to do a hysterectomy. I just cannot get over thinking the passed couple of days how blessed I am to be called a mother. Had we not gotten married when we did and had our children when we did, aside from what everyone else thought, we may not have ever had children at all. My heart goes out to woman who cannot bear children. So in all of this tonight, what I would like for anyone reading this to take away--listen for God's voice in your life, because sometimes other people will try to drown out what God is telling YOU! I am so blessed to have listened to God in these seasons of my life. Have there been tough times being young parents? Yes!! I am not trying to say otherwise! I am glad to be in God's will though!

Ramsay.

My dearest Ramsay. You have begun asking so many questions of greater depth than I knew you were capable. The answers to some of these questions are far beyond your intellect, in fact many of them are beyond my own intellect. I have spent the last six years of my life protecting you. I monitor who you are with, what you watch on the television, what you see on the news, and what you know of my past.  You recently asked me what divorce meant, and I have no idea where you even heard the term. I explained to you that sometimes when people get married, they change their mind and a divorce means they are not married any longer. When I tell you that divorce is something you will never know the pain of, I mean that with every fiber of my being. Not because I can see the future, and not because we are a perfect family, but because your father and I made vows that we intend to keep. Our marriage is not perfect, we fight and sometimes it is in front of you, and for that I am truly sorry. In some ways, I wonder if it is healthy for you to see that even strong relationships have tough times. I pray for your spirit when I see tears run down your cheeks due to an adult argument. There are so many adult issues pressing for the attention of your father and I. We do our best to keep you out of those things. Sometimes conflicts arise that need to be taken care of and it all boils over in front of you. Please do not let this taint the image of love for you. It is love that cleans up those arguments, puts them behind us, and allows us to move on. You have such wisdom for a six year old! I cannot count how many times you have encouraged me with the simplicity of your faith. When you put together the fact that Grandpa John and Grandma Dee Dee had gotten a divorce, I felt pain for you. Or maybe I felt pain for myself. I am not sure. But what I can assure you is that we serve a God of restoration! A lot of things happened to Mommy as a child, and many of those things I may never tell you. It will forever be my job to protect you, and there would simply be no good in you knowing some of those things. I love you more than life Ramsay. You are my tender hearted little boy. God will use your tender heartedness as you grow naturally and spiritually. Do not ever let anyone tell you that being sensitive is a bad thing. God can do so much with a soft spirit. As we venture this life journey together, we may stumble on some tough things to talk about, but I pray that as we work through them, you are not pained or burdened. I took on those burdens a long time ago, and now what is left is simply a story. As we dig into my past with your curiosity, look past the tears that stain my face. What hurts so much now is knowing how much I love you, and wondering if anyone ever felt that way about me.

Nikolai

My sweet little Nikolai. I love the way you see the world. Everything is a huge adventure, and nothing can slow you down! I pray that you never lose that about you! There is a fierceness in your spirit, you are a go getter if you will. You are an encourager also. You do not like to see anyone upset, be it some one that you know or a stranger in the store who isn't smiling to your likeness. Not to long ago we were at a festival and you were on a ride, and every time you would pass your father and I, you would scream, "The guy running this ride looks mad!!" Oh, I am sure he heard you all seven times you went around. You thrive on making people laugh, until you feel that they are laughing at you instead of with you. Then I see a side of you that you hide more often than not, but a little bit of insecurity comes out. I pray against that daily, I want you to be comfortable in your own skin always. It is not at all a bad thing to be confident. Although you are only four years old, these are things that I love nurturing in you. I cherish every day we spend together, and I pray that as you grow our relationship only strengthens. I am truly sorry for the times that I am short tempered with you. I sometimes forget how to let you be a four year old and often expect you to act like an adult. Forgive me for such foolishness. Know that I want you to be a child. I long for you to be care-free! That is one of my favorite things about you is your ability to go into your own little world at any time. I would love be able to turn off what is going on around me and do what you do! You could be outside playing in dirt, but in your world you are an executive director ordering rocks for the biggest sale in the world! I love you, Nikolai. Your imagination. Your creativity. Your spunk. I just love you. I praise God for you daily.