Unbound.

Daniel 3:24-25

But suddenly, Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in amazement and exclaimed to his advisers, “Didn’t we tie up three men and throw them into the furnace?”

“Yes, Your Majesty, we certainly did,” they replied.

“Look!” Nebuchadnezzar shouted. “I see four men, unbound, walking around in the fire unharmed! And the fourth looks like a God[g]!”

Here we go. It's testimony time:

• My parents went through a very nasty divorce (not that any divorce is pleasant) when I was twelve years old. This turned my world upside down. Until this point in time, I never even heard them argue. From here on out, there wouldn't be too many school functions, birthdays, holidays, and weekend visitations that they wouldn't argue about.
• A couple years after the divorce the courts separated me from my brother and sister. Dad got custody of me, and Mom got custody of Jessy and Josh. Until this happened, us kids were all each other had that was a stability through the craziness. We would now only be together on weekends. And we would strictly follow the court orders a majority of the time. 
• This was all followed by years of confusion, self hatred, abandonment issues, self harm, and a deep hurt and anger. Things happened in both homes that we never should have had to go through. Mom shouldn't have left, she shouldn't have married an abusive man, she shouldn't have given me the responsibility of a mother and house wife. Dad shouldn't have yelled so much, shouldn't have lost his temper so often, shouldn't have slept for days at a time. There is no point into going into detailed events, but trust me, I could write a book.
• I started smoking somewhere in here...I cannot exactly remember what age, probably around 12 or 13 though. I also started taking pills. And when I couldn't get high fast enough I started snorting them. Then my "friends" told me that we were snorting the mixture of pills that we usually did, and I did my first few lines of cocaine. This terrified me, so I quit with the pills, for the most part. I also starting cutting somewhere in here. It was the only release of emotion I knew how to handle. I had control. I had been hurt by so many people around me, it only felt natural to hurt myself. I hated myself more than I hated anyone. I didn't care if I lived or died. I thought about suicide all the time. I didn't think I had any value to anyone. I saw myself as worthless. 
• To brighten things up a little, my Dad ends up getting remarried and having another child. His wife was very insistent that we had to go to church. We didn't have to like it, but we did have to go. I despised it. I had formed my opinion of church-I was somehow happy in my self hatred-I was comfortable there, comfortable and miserable at the same time. Little did I know, my future was just starting. I would meet my husband in this little, small town, Church of Christ. Through him, I started going to a Spirit Filled church. I was filled with the Holy Ghost and with that, my old habits began to fall to the wayside. For the first time in my life, I drew closer to God--I began a personal relationship with Him. I began to see myself the way He saw me. The problems at home did not get any better after I gave my life to God, but dealing with them did.
• As the addictions and habits came to an end, I had no idea how much healing I still needed. I did not see myself as God saw me. I held anger and forgiveness towards my parents, but mainly towards myself. I had to learn how to let my husband love me, and how to let God change my mindset about everything. God had to teach me that to forgive everything in my past wasn't to say that none of it happened. It was not discrediting the pain that I felt. It was taking that pain and letting it go. 
• Years later, after Ryan and I got married and even after we had children, the pain from things of my past would sneak up on me from time to time. I couldn't talk about much, and avoided confrontation with all costs. I was an adult, a wife, a mother....still fighting the demons from my childhood. I can tell you now, that at 26 years old, I am free from all of this! I can talk about my past without crying. I can look my parents in the eyes and tell them wholeheartedly that I forgive them. Trust me when I say that I tried everything under the sun before I let God heal these wounds. Even sitting in a church pew for years, I wouldn't fully give in. I tried self help books, keeping gobs of journals, hiding things from my husband....the only freedom I found was in surrendering to Jesus Christ. Giving him all of me, the good-bad-and ugly.
• There is no doubt in my mind that the reason I am here today is because I stayed in church. I fought through all of those things. I went through the fire. It was hot. I was miserable. It was intense. But I went through it. And I made it out alive. No doubt, I was not in any of that alone. I can see an image in my mind of me being in this fire, and angels saying, "Look! There she is! She isn't bound, she is in the fire but not bound by it!" 
• Someone recently told me at work that they would have never guessed about my past had I told them. That, my dear friends, is proof, that I have been through the fire, AND I DON'T EVEN SMELL LIKE SMOKE! I have been transformed. My past has no hold on my future. My past is not who I am, it is who I was. I am a NEW creation in Christ. I thank God that he brought me through the fire. 

Daniel 3:27
"Then the high officers, officials, governors, and advisers crowded around them and saw that the fire had not touched them. Not a hair on their heads was singed, and their clothing was not scorched. They didn’t even smell of smoke!"

• I wonder how people reacted when they were told this story? I can just hear it....

 "I never would have known any of that if you didn't tell me! I mean, it just doesn't seem like you could have went through any of that..."

Freedom.

Something is stirring in my spirit, and I have to get this out! I felt like I could have preached up a storm today, and let me be the first to tell you that this Mama don't preach! Something rose up in me during our worship service, and it has just been bubbling inside me ever since. We sing a song by The Vertical Church Band titled Going Free. It is a pretty up beat song, here is some of the lyrics:

Go on and speak against my borrowed innocence
The judge is my defense, I'm going free
Right when the gavel fell, I heard the freedom bell
Ring through the heart of hell, I'm going free
I’m going free

Glory, glory, hallelujah
You threw my shackles in the sea
Glory, glory, hallelujah
Jesus is my liberty
I'm going free

In case you are reading this and haven't read any of my recent entries, I will fill you in on something Jesus and I have been discussing! I have this obsession lately of really digging into song lyrics. I have been burdened with how intimate worship should be. It should never just be a going through the motions act (not saying that it never gets that way, come on now...we are human). As we were singing this today, I started thinking about my freedom. It says "Glory, glory, hallelujah, You threw my shackles in the sea" -- STOP! Here is where I start to get excited! I'm getting all giddy right now just writing this! Worship is intimate, and it is corporate yes, but it is oh so personal. As I was belting this out I got to thinking of the things in my past that have bound me. Oh yes. You see, I have had shackles binding me. I have been through things that nobody knows about. I have fought battles that I have never spoken a word of to a single living soul. God has delivered me from so much....and the only one who knows is my Jesus. He is the only one who knows EXACTLY what I am saying when I shout "Glory, glory, hallelujah, You threw my shackles in the sea!!!!".....and going on to sing..."Right when the gavel fell, I heard the FREEDOM bell, ring through the heart of hell I'm going free!!!"....Oh hallelujah!!! How in the world can a person sing this song and not want to SHOUT??!!! I was bound, and now I am free!! The things that used to trip me up do not have that hold on me any more! 

About six months ago I started praying that I would be able to be more sensitive to the spirit. Sometimes I just feel like I do not know how to be emotional. I longed to be able to get into a place in worship where I could cry, maybe because tears are proof of feeling something-a sign of life. I just have a tough personality, I am not easily moved by things. God is moving though, I cannot hardly get through a song service where I do not cry. God is softening my heart. As I type these words I am desperate to describe what it means to me that God is changing me. Words seem to be failing me as of now, because I just cannot describe what I am feeling in my spirit. I am free! I guess to really know true freedom, we have to have been bound at some point. I'm beginning to ramble, possibly because it is almost two in the morning :D 

I'm going to wrap things up here. I praise God that I can truly say that He has thrown my shackles in the sea, and I have no desire to go swimming after them (isn't it odd that we tend to chase what bogs us down?). The battles I have fought I never fought alone. God knows the depths of the things that I have faced. He knows how far I have come in Him. I'm going deeper, something is stirring up in me! 

Jesus Loves Me

This morning as I was praying on my way to work, the song Jesus Loves Me popped into my head. It was stuck in my head all day. Allow me to bring back to your remembrance the lyrics to the song every one I know learned as a child.

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
I am weak but he is strong

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so

I do not think I have ever really payed any attention to the powerful words of this song until about ten minutes ago while I was scrubbing the boys toilet. Side note, isn't it funny when we hear God speaking to us? I was cleaning the nasty pee ring Nikolai leaves behind because he cannot aim. And right there, with my hands in muck, God spoke.

I do not remember a time when I did not know this song. How is it possible that I have never let these words sink it? I honestly just thought it was "me" thinking of this simple tune this morning. I think God was trying to tell me something. -- Wait for it. -- Jesus loves me. How do I know? I know because the Bible tells me so. JESUS LOVES ME! Come on now, I cannot be the only person who forgets how much I am loved. I cannot be the only person who has heard this song 900,000 times and just now listened to it. How true it is, I am weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves ME.

I hear people (in and out of church) talking about how God isn't here or there, could it be that we are spreading God, but we just aren't paying attention to it? Could it be that we as a church should go back to the basics of Christianity? Really, have we sat back while some of the basics of our foundation were being watered down? Jesus loves me....It was sang over me well before I knew the depth or pain of any love that Jesus loves me. It is such a personal song. We serve such a personal God. He doesn't look down on us in disgust, he looks down on us in love.

If you take anything away from this post, let it be this. Think of five songs that you remember from church when you were little. Write down the names and Google the lyrics if you have to. Do we really know what we are singing? Now think of five songs you have sang in church the last month. Look at the lyrics. Praise and worship is meant to be so much deeper and more personal than we make it. These are the cries of our heart going up as a sweet fragrance to the God of the universe.

For the Bible tells me so. No complicated questions asked. No theologians needed. Simply because the Bible tells us so. Teach me more simplicity God. Maybe that is what I am lacking.

Raw emotions. This is my heart tonight (this morning).

Let me just start out by saying that this will not be a happy, fluffy post. I do not even wish to portray what I need to say in such a fashion. I am angry. Fed up. Disgusted. Enraged. Furious. Irate. I am done. I am so sick of people I love dearly going through hell. I mean hell. Satan is a liar. He holds no truth. Zip, zilch, notta. He also holds no authority over God's people! No authority. Go ahead, read that one more time....NO AUTHORITY!!! I am drawing a line in the sand. I serve a mighty God who has all authority, and through Him I also hold great power. I refuse to sit back and watch Satan tear apart finances, families, dreams and personal relationships any longer. I will intercede on their behalf. We are to hold one another up in prayer in these times of great trials. Lord knows I have been on the holding up end of things more often than I would like to admit.

When I started this new job, one of the things that was difficult for me to grasp was that my position holds a lot of authority. I make the calls. People come to me for answers. I had very little confidence in my ability to call the shots. The longer I am there, the more comfortable I become in my position of authority. God showed me that this lesson was not only in the natural, but in the spiritual aspect as well. I have never seen myself as anyone with spiritual authority. I come from a mess of a background, didn't spend my entire life in church, I don't sing or play any instruments....but God has not called me to do any of those things. He has called me to use my past brokenness to help put others back together. I know what rejection feels like. I know what loneliness feels like. At one point I defined self hatred. I have been close to ending my own life. I have been so numb to pain that I refuse to feel anything. I know how to pray for these people. I was once in their shoes. God has called me to use authority over Satan. He has called me to pray over the painful areas in peoples lives that are rooted into who Satan wants them to think they are. He has given me a sensitivity to situations that seem hopeless.

The cry of my heart at one in the morning:

Lord I come to you, and I thank you that you have equipped me God. You have called me and prepared me for such a time as this. I command Satan to loose his hand off of my family. I speak salvation over my family members who need it. I speak deliverance where it is needed. I speak peace over every situation going on in my life right now. I place this all in Your hands Lord. I speak peace over my Husband and his career. We only want what you want for us Lord. I pray a calmness over my sister in law. I pray healing to the relationships in that situation. I thank you God for stirring me in the middle of the night. I pray financial breakthrough over my in-laws. I pray health over my in-laws. I command diabetes, high blood pressure, and arthritis, any blood clots and heart problems to go in Jesus name. I thank you God that Grandma will have a quick recovery from surgery. I pray peace over her as she prepares for this big event in her life. I thank you Lord that the Dr. will see Your hand at work in Grandma's recovery. I thank you Lord for stirring up this Holy anger in me. I thank you for the authority over the enemy that you have placed upon me. I thank you for your blood, Lord. Oh the precious blood of Jesus.

Change.

I woke up early this morning, for some unknown reason. As soon as my eyes opened I was instantly wide awake. I was going to go sit outside on the porch for a while, but it was raining. As I looked outside it was dark and gloomy. I stood there in the living room with my door open, listening to all the sounds the Mt. Victory had to offer at 6:45 in the morning. The rain falling freely was so full of peace. The wind was blowing heavily, tearing leaves away from the tree they had spent the summer on. The leaves that stayed have changed colors in the last few weeks. They illuminate the community with their bright yellows and oranges and reds. My favorite time of the year. I have always thought that I was afraid of change. That it set me back and terrified me. But as I was standing at my door I began to birth a hunger for change. As much as we say we hate it, we all long for it. When it is summer, we cannot wait until fall. When it is winter we cannot wait until summer. When my hair is curly, I wish it were straight. If we stay in one weekend, I wish we were out do something. If we are out running around, I wish we were home. Have we (or I) become this monster who is never happy? The rain had stopped at this point, and I was well aware that it was too early in the morning to be having such deep conversation with myself. I realized today though that I am kind of excited for change. I long to see the bare trees. Maybe even to see some snow on the ground. I want to be content. I want to be happy when things are not changing, and to embrace change when it comes. I do not want to be so comfortable where I am that I miss out on what is next. There is a huge possibility that this doesn't make sense, and that is fine. It was the changing leaves that brought this all to my attention. The rain that I knew wasn't here to stay. The darkness of early morning that would soon turn to light. Change. It surrounds us, and it is a beautiful thing.

Roots

We took our evening walk tonight, as usual. I love this time of year so much. The air is crisp and the leaves are beginning to change. The sound of crunching leaves under the boys feet is musical. Ramsay decided to give us a science lesson about trees as we walked around the town. He shared that the roots are very important because they take in all the nutrients for the tree. He was "teaching" us that if the tree didn't have good deep roots, then it wouldn't have green leaves. He said that when we get a lot of rain the roots suck up as much as they can so that when it doesn't rain the roots hold enough water to sustain the tree. Of course this is the condensed version of what he told us, simply because I would like to be in bed before ten tonight :) This got me to thinking about our spiritual roots. What Ramsay said this evening was so profound. It is important to have ourselves so deeply rooted in Christ that when we go through a drought, our roots can sustain us. In order for us to "water" our roots, we have to dig into the Word of God. We have to spend time praying and fasting. We have to commune with God. If I never spent time with my husband we would have a relationship that is barely touching the surface. We make it a point to spend time together though, we talk and date and get to know one another (yes, even after ten years! We are both changing all the time!) I would say that we have a deep rooted relationship. It takes work though. It takes selflessness. These same qualities should show up in our relationship with God. As God showed me earlier this week, he longs for us to draw close to him. My prayer is for God to just let it rain. Let his presence rain and soak up my roots. The thing is, when roots are healthy and get enough water, they grow deeper. Thank you my little Ramsay for your wisdom and insight, you teach me more every day than I could have ever imagined. Let it rain.

Love.

We were having an amazing church service this morning. Worship was so raw, the Spirit was so heavy (in a good, overwhelming way). I was so captivated by the Love of God, and as I was resting in his peace, Nikolai starts pulling on my pants leg. I could here his "Mom, Mom, Mommy...." I looked down at him and with his gorgeous eyes wide he said, "Can you just hold me for a while?" At first I was a little annoyed, I was really longing for this time with My Lord. I  picked him up though and went back into that sacred place holding him. He gently layed his head down on my shoulder, and whispered, "Thank You Mom! I just want to be close to you."

My little guy had no idea what revelation he had brought to me by that brief statement. The longing he had to be close to me and to be held, is the same longing I have to be close to God.  My eyes welled with tears at the realization that this desire that I have to be with God is not one sided. The same God who told the ocean where to stop, who placed the stars in the sky, and who died so I could live is beckoning me. He is saying to me, "Maranda, stop. Just let me hold you. Quit squirming. Stop whining. Don't worry. Stop thinking. Just lay your head down and breathe." The Love of a Father. 

Fear.

My little Ramsay. Oh how I long for the day that we can look back on these times and talk about them in a little more depth. If only you could see what I see. Lately you have been battling fear like never before. I do not know where it has come from, but I do know that you are more than a conqueror. You have faith to move mountains, son! I pray over you daily, as I always have, but lately I feel that my prayers of full of desperation. These prayers come from a place so deep in my spirit I did not even know it was there.  It causes my heart misery to see you struggle with something internal, something that I cannot really fix. So all I know to do is to pray for you. The Bible tells us that God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. I pray this scripture over you at least once an hour. I even wake up in the night sometimes praying for you. I want you to know that I do not only pray with you, but that I also pray for you. I am writing you all of this now so that you will always know how much you are loved. I want you to know that when you hurt, I hurt with you. I also want you to know that you have been bathed in prayer since before you were even born. I believe that this fear has to leave in the name of Jesus. Your Grandma Sue has bathed me in prayer since before I was born, and there is no doubt in my mind that her prayers are why I am here today. As you get older and your struggles become more personal, I hope you will come to me so we can talk. I love when you ask to spend time with me, and we sit out on the patio and count stars. I love to hear what is on your heart. As I wrap up this entry, if you were to ever read this, know that I love you more than life Ramsay. Know that you are more than a conqueror. Know that God designed you to be the way you are! God does not make mistakes. You are a wonderful little boy. I treasure being your Mommy.

God's timing.

I will never forget the day that he asked me to be his wife. It was my eighteenth birthday, and he totally caught me off guard. I knew he had the ring, he was all but discreet the day he went shopping! He kept calling me asking if I liked gold or silver, and was just curious as to what size ring I wore. He had the jewel long before he ever proposed, but I knew that I knew that I knew, that Ryan was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. So many people had negative comments. Very few people actually encouraged us to go through with the wedding, but we were so in love with each other that none of that phased us at all. In fact, until writing this now I'm not sure that I ever stopped to realize how many people said we would never make it. So we got married just two short months after I graduated high school. We had a beautiful wedding, the only flaws were in the reception, but who cares?! My family was a group of troopers that year! They threw me a graduation party, a bridal shower, bought wedding gifts...and just months later through me a baby shower. I was 18 years old when we found out that we were pregnant with our sweet little Ramsay Keith. We were on cloud nine! We both wanted so badly to be parents, we were overjoyed. In this blog you will hear me talk of my children daily, they are my entire life! We didn't hear too many comments about me being a young mother, although we knew the opinions were out there. Looking back on it now at the age of 25, I will even admit that I was very young! I will get back to that soon, I'm setting something up here, you will see. We were one month shy of celebrating Ramsay's first birthday when we got the huge surprise that we were expecting again! This was a little different reaction for the both of us because we had not planned on having another baby so soon. All in all though, we were delighted! This is where the opinions started coming out! Here I was 20 years old and getting ready to have our second child! Not to mention we had almost three wonderful years of marriage at this point. Ups and downs certainly, but we were still so in love with each other and with the family that God was blessing us with. Now let us fast-forward to today. I found out on Monday that I have a severe case of Endometreosis. Tomorrow I go see my doctor again to schedule a date to do a hysterectomy. I just cannot get over thinking the passed couple of days how blessed I am to be called a mother. Had we not gotten married when we did and had our children when we did, aside from what everyone else thought, we may not have ever had children at all. My heart goes out to woman who cannot bear children. So in all of this tonight, what I would like for anyone reading this to take away--listen for God's voice in your life, because sometimes other people will try to drown out what God is telling YOU! I am so blessed to have listened to God in these seasons of my life. Have there been tough times being young parents? Yes!! I am not trying to say otherwise! I am glad to be in God's will though!

Ramsay.

My dearest Ramsay. You have begun asking so many questions of greater depth than I knew you were capable. The answers to some of these questions are far beyond your intellect, in fact many of them are beyond my own intellect. I have spent the last six years of my life protecting you. I monitor who you are with, what you watch on the television, what you see on the news, and what you know of my past.  You recently asked me what divorce meant, and I have no idea where you even heard the term. I explained to you that sometimes when people get married, they change their mind and a divorce means they are not married any longer. When I tell you that divorce is something you will never know the pain of, I mean that with every fiber of my being. Not because I can see the future, and not because we are a perfect family, but because your father and I made vows that we intend to keep. Our marriage is not perfect, we fight and sometimes it is in front of you, and for that I am truly sorry. In some ways, I wonder if it is healthy for you to see that even strong relationships have tough times. I pray for your spirit when I see tears run down your cheeks due to an adult argument. There are so many adult issues pressing for the attention of your father and I. We do our best to keep you out of those things. Sometimes conflicts arise that need to be taken care of and it all boils over in front of you. Please do not let this taint the image of love for you. It is love that cleans up those arguments, puts them behind us, and allows us to move on. You have such wisdom for a six year old! I cannot count how many times you have encouraged me with the simplicity of your faith. When you put together the fact that Grandpa John and Grandma Dee Dee had gotten a divorce, I felt pain for you. Or maybe I felt pain for myself. I am not sure. But what I can assure you is that we serve a God of restoration! A lot of things happened to Mommy as a child, and many of those things I may never tell you. It will forever be my job to protect you, and there would simply be no good in you knowing some of those things. I love you more than life Ramsay. You are my tender hearted little boy. God will use your tender heartedness as you grow naturally and spiritually. Do not ever let anyone tell you that being sensitive is a bad thing. God can do so much with a soft spirit. As we venture this life journey together, we may stumble on some tough things to talk about, but I pray that as we work through them, you are not pained or burdened. I took on those burdens a long time ago, and now what is left is simply a story. As we dig into my past with your curiosity, look past the tears that stain my face. What hurts so much now is knowing how much I love you, and wondering if anyone ever felt that way about me.

Nikolai

My sweet little Nikolai. I love the way you see the world. Everything is a huge adventure, and nothing can slow you down! I pray that you never lose that about you! There is a fierceness in your spirit, you are a go getter if you will. You are an encourager also. You do not like to see anyone upset, be it some one that you know or a stranger in the store who isn't smiling to your likeness. Not to long ago we were at a festival and you were on a ride, and every time you would pass your father and I, you would scream, "The guy running this ride looks mad!!" Oh, I am sure he heard you all seven times you went around. You thrive on making people laugh, until you feel that they are laughing at you instead of with you. Then I see a side of you that you hide more often than not, but a little bit of insecurity comes out. I pray against that daily, I want you to be comfortable in your own skin always. It is not at all a bad thing to be confident. Although you are only four years old, these are things that I love nurturing in you. I cherish every day we spend together, and I pray that as you grow our relationship only strengthens. I am truly sorry for the times that I am short tempered with you. I sometimes forget how to let you be a four year old and often expect you to act like an adult. Forgive me for such foolishness. Know that I want you to be a child. I long for you to be care-free! That is one of my favorite things about you is your ability to go into your own little world at any time. I would love be able to turn off what is going on around me and do what you do! You could be outside playing in dirt, but in your world you are an executive director ordering rocks for the biggest sale in the world! I love you, Nikolai. Your imagination. Your creativity. Your spunk. I just love you. I praise God for you daily.