Truth is....

I try so hard to be patient. To act like I'm not falling a part on the inside. I try to be the Mom that I always said I would be. I try not to yell. I try not to get so overwhelmed. I try to keep it all together. I try to keep the house clean, the laundry done, and dinner made on time. I try to clean the kitchen as soon as everyone is finished eating. I try to be a loving wife. I try to laugh when I simply feel like nothing is even worth smiling over. I try to hide the way I really feel, because as a Christian woman, I should just give it all to God and let him make me whole. The fact that I have given everything I know to lay down, and still feel this way is beyond me. I try to smile when I feel like my lungs are collapsing. I try to go to the grocery store like it isn't the most stress inducing activity I can imagine. I try to act like noise doesn't make the walls close in faster. I try to drive confidently and act like the tormenting thoughts are not flying through my head at highway speeds. I turn up my worship music as loud as I can to drown it all out. All of it.

The truth is....

I am exhausted, physically and mentally. I am sad and angry, happy and excited all at the same time. I cannot sleep. I get overwhelmed at the drop of a hat. I feel like I have absolutely no control over my emotions. I feel like I have no control over anything.  One minute I am fine, and with no warning....I am in over my head. My
heart races, my palms get sweaty, I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Sometimes this lasts the rest of the day, and other times it goes as quickly as it came.

Some days though, I really do have it all together. Life doesn't make it hard for me to breathe, I can go and go and go without thinking twice about it. I can get everything done and still smile when then second I sit down somebody asks me to get them something. I actually, on these days, love that I am needed and that I am so well rounded that I can do everything. I find satisfaction in keeping up with housework. I love the sound of my kids laughter and joyful screams filling my house. These are the days I feel like myself. I love these days!! On these days, I can breathe.

I know that I know that I know that God could take this from me. I believe in healing and deliverance. I have given myself to him completely. I have been freed from so many other things. I have seen addictions just fall off, deep rooted hurts dissolve, and broken hearts mended (all of these in my own life)! I am believing for healing. In whatever form God sends it. I want to feel like I am in control of who I am from day to day.

That is all.