Rest.

I started writing this afternoon with no intentions on this going where it did....but maybe I went here for a reason? I just began describing the power of God in worship. The power of deliverance from emotional pain, just the power of God in general.....so, for whatever reason, here you go :)


The voices that surround me declare a song of victory, while something inside me begins to stir. The room grows smaller as a knot in my stomach increases in strength. Sweat beads form on my forehead as my hands begin to secrete a similar substance. My knees are shaking and my fingers feel numb, my stomach is now in my throat. I have longed for this time for as long as I can remember, and suddenly I want to back away quietly, unseen. I know that freedom is just around the corner, and that I am right where I need to be.  But I cannot help but toy with the idea that my problems are mine. Torment screams in my mind, reminding me that as much as I hate these chains, they are a part of me. I am suddenly not sure that I want to simply give them away, because I have been defined by them for so long. Who would I be without these burdens that have become my silent cohort? Where would I find my identity? Confusion attempts to fill my mind.

Something in the atmosphere is quickly changing. The music flows with such serenity from the team leading us.  The spirit of the Lord falls stronger. I have never felt this before, but I know it has to be Him. I feel my need over riding the thoughts and confusion, the need to let this all go. A new desire burns in me beckoning me to walk away from this false identity that has been handed to me. Such a terrifying thought, but the peace that is invading me at this very moment seems to seep deep into the cracks and crevices of who I thought I was. I think I might be letting go. The very thought of freedom makes me tremble, while my eyes fill with tears.

An internal battle continues. I do not want the attention to be on me, I do not want to seem weak. Lord knows to fight the battles I have faced, weakness is not a quality that I carry, it was never even an option. Someone had to be strong, I never even saw myself fading away until I was already gone. I honestly do not remember a time before now that I felt anything. Maybe that is why I am bursting at the seems here, trying to figure out what this is tugging at me, making it impossible to hold back tears. I have never felt so vulnerable, falling apart into the arms of One that I cannot see.

Without explanation, without thought, without a warning....tears begin to race down my face. Tears of pain that I had never before freed. Tears of memories that have haunted me, suddenly being released in the presence of a God that I never knew. I knew the stories, I knew the church talk...but I had never known a love like this. I never felt how personal God could be, how intimate. I never grasped the fact that Jesus chose the cross for me, so that I wouldn't have to carry the weight of my circumstances myself. It was never my job to carry the weight of my parents mistakes, of my sisters deep pain, of the childhood that I never had. It was never meant for me to carry the pain of sexual abuse, of an uncertain future, or of years of being told nobody would ever love me. I let the chains fall off, I let the pain subside......

I raise my hands in surrender, falling to my knees trembling because the power of God is simply all consuming. I completely fall apart. It doesn't even matter to me that there are people around, the musicians continue to draw the Spirit that is breaking me. I had to be broken, because I was being held together with false condemnation. While being broken I was also being meticulously put back together by a bond as thick as blood. I was being made whole for the first time in my life. I could not stop weeping while emotions oozed through every fiber of my being.

I simply felt God speak to me, "This is all you ever had to do, just surrender. I will do the rest. Just do not pick these things back up. When these things creep up on you, and they will....speak the power of my blood. Satan no longer has any authority over you. Just rest in me."

Peace.

I love sitting outside in the cool spring air. Mount Victory is probably as close as you could get to living in the country, without actually living in the country. The sound of horses hooves clank on the asphalt as the Amish head home from a long day out on the field. The frogs in some distance harmonize with the crickets and the gentle breeze, developing a melody that cannot be scripted. The train a few miles away whistles a familiar tune while the rest of the town is sound asleep. Chirping, tweeting, screeching, croaking...the music draws sleep to my weary mind. My Creator whispers to me the promises of renewed mercy and grace that will rise as surely as the sun. Love envelopes me at the realization that my Heavenly Father is conducting a symphony that He wrote just for me. A symphony that carries peace, a peace that fills the cracks in the weak areas of my life. As the train draws closer to the tracks at the end of my street, my eyes fall heavy with sleep. Tomorrows worries will not keep me awake tonight, because tonight....I'm resting in the presence of the Holy One.