Love my Jesus.

Lately, I have been thinking of all the ways I could describe Jesus in my life. I could fill pages upon pages of what and who He is to me, but these are the things that flowed from my pen to my paper a couple of weeks ago as I was pouring out my heart through ink.

He is my unchanging, Holy father
Never sleeping, constant healer
My battle fighting, bondage breaker
He is my everything, my burden lifter
My persevering, problem sifter
Perfect timing, need provider
Solid forming, foundation builder
Jesus is my cross choosing, grave riser
Unwavering, fear fighter
Tender caring head lifter
My never stopping peace provider


Who is he to you? What would you add to this list?

Anxiety.

Anxiety takes my breath away

As torment fills my mind

My spirit is under attack again

Fighting to stay alive

My faith is being tested,

But I really do believe

It's hard to know for sure I'm fine

When I feel like I can't breathe

I plead the blood of Jesus,

and command the thoughts to flee

I look upon the cross

Where he shed his blood for me

I close my eyes and try to sleep

While my mind is miles away

I pray that peace would flood my soul

That it would come to stay

This battle has no control of me

It tries so hard to bind

God hasn't given me a spirit of fear 

But of power, love and a sound mind

Have you thought about your thoughts lately?

There is so much I want to say in this post that I cannot even type fast enough. My brain is running at least 8,000 miles an hour. This might be long, but I really need to have this in writing. There is a sequence of things that have happened in my life lately, good and bad....and God has shown me so much through each event.

For those of you who do not know, our youngest son (5), was admitted to Nationwide Children's Hospital this month, we were there for just under one week. Nikolai was very sick, with a rare diagnosis of Kawaski Syndrome. Over the course of a week and being misdiagnosed twice, he ran a fever that hung out between 101-104.9 for almost six days. He had a horrible rash all over his entire body. His eyes were red, no white to them at all, and his eyelids and all the skin surrounding his eyes was read and inflamed. His hands were very swollen, at one point he could not grasp anything. Vomiting. No appetite. Very tired, no energy at all. His lips were dry and cracked and nearly bleeding, the inside of his mouth was just one big sore, making it very painful to eat anything.

Through ALL of this, I knew that God had his hand over us. There was no doubt in my mind that Nikolai would be fine, we would just give him the IV medicine he needed and go home and he would be better. I hadn't even thought of any other possibilities. Then, they told us that there was a chance that he could have permanent heart damage.  I have no idea why, but that was a gut punch for me. For some reason, all I could do was doubt. I started thinking about life with these issues, and the more I thought about it the worse my fears became. I was making up scenarios in my mind that had not happened, nor would they. All of his heart test came back fine, we just follow up every so often. As I prayed through the week, with plenty of free time sitting in the hospital with bubby, God said to me, "Don't you think I am able to touch his heart? When these thoughts start, cast them down. If you don't, the thoughts will torment and control you."

I have always heard (and even said)..."Well, I'm not even going to entertain that thought..." It is one of those church sayings we all say, but I don't think we have any idea what we are saying. It means, I know this thought isn't from God, I don' have time to deal with this, I'm not going to put my energy into wondering what if.....

How many of our fears and problems come from simple thoughts that we let run rampant? As I started doing this, praying the second a nasty thought would come to my mind about my sons health, I started to realize how many other areas I let torment me in general. All by my thoughts. Thoughts that get rooted into who we are, thoughts that turn into actions.

I have always been afraid of everything.
*I am terrified of heights, but I've never fallen.
*I am terrified to drive or ride on the highway, and a nervous driver in general--I have constant anxiety in the car that I might get into an accident.....but I have never been in one.
* I am always afraid that Ry will stop loving me, but he never has.
* I am terrified of rocking chairs, I hate the feeling of falling backwards....but I have never fallen backwards in any kind of furniture before.
* I am afraid of deep water, and I have never drowned.
* I am scared of bridges, I have yet to have one collapse with me on it.

These are things off the top of my head. As I have been praying and listening to what God has been showing me through this, I noticed that 97% of my fears are things that I have never experienced. So, the only way these fears were formed was from entertaining thoughts that something bad is always going to happen. I was sickened by how many times in one day the thought entered my mind that I could die today. Just driving down the road, the phrase runs through my mind.."what if..."

Here is an example of the route these thoughts take once they get started, in narrative form.

I am driving home from work, it is sunny and the weather is not a concerning factor. I see a semi off in a distance, and instantly--I wonder, what if that truck driver hasn't slept in 12 hours and he falls asleep at the wheel, and the timing was just right that he hit my car head on. Would I feel anything? Yes. I would be in horrible pain. It might even kill me. Then my kids wouldn't have a mother. My husband wouldn't have a wife. Would Ryan get remarried? I cannot think about him with another woman. Would the boys remember me? Would someone else take my place as mom? I hate the thought of not being here for them, and the thought of them calling someone else mom. I call Ryan, trying to distract the crazy things bouncing around in my noggin, when he doesn't answer his phone. Instantly, my heart drops to my butt, and I am certain that something horrible has happened. His car got hit on the way home from work. I hope he isn't mad at me, what if he is ignoring my call on purpose. What was the last thing he said to me today, I hope that wasn't the last thing I will ever hear from him. What would I want our last words to each other be? If something horrible has happened I will print out all the emails and text I have to keep his memory alive.

This is raw guys. This is literally what I deal with all day long. These thoughts are always there, constant, and as I portrayed above, they feed off of one another. So, this week I really felt convicted about controlling these thoughts. They are not from God. Psalms 91 speaks protection over my family. We are covered by the blood of Jesus. Nikolai's heart is fine, Jesus bore stripes to save my sons life--so that he can walk in freedom. If it doesn't make you feel anything to think that Jesus died for YOU, think of what he went through to save our children!!!  I believe that there is a spirit of fear and torment running crazy in young people today. Sin starts with a simple thought, that is not controlled.

If you are reading this, my prayer for you is that God would teach you how to control your thoughts, and that He would show you what thoughts are sneaking around in the background as torment. We are to think on things that are good, lovely, pure, and holy....

"Dear Mandy"

I have seen so many youth lately that remind me of myself at the same age. The same battles, similar situations, some worse situations....the same mindset, the same mistakes, the same pain....the same longing for peace that they cannot find. I see the same struggle for them being in church praising God one minute, and in less than in hour they are back in the same mess they walked out of, because they really have no power or control over their environment. Such kids have grown up all too fast, and as young teenagers are running around like little adults. It took me all too long to come to the realization that God was the only one who could heal my from the pain of my childhood. Not the idea of God, not going to church every Sunday, not standing in a prayer line, not religion or religious acts....a personal relationship with the Father. I first had to learn how to see myself as God saw me, and as I learned who I was in Him, I learned I had a huge misconception of life. This is a list of things I would like to write to a younger me. I wish then I knew what I do now, I wish I knew that my life would turn out to be wonderful! I wish I knew that God had a handpicked husband for me, who would love me through all the difficulties of life. For better or for worse, I first found unconditional love in My Ryan, and through him I saw the true character of God. So, here is my letter/list of things to myself....

Dear Mandy,

1. I want to tell you that you are loved. You are loved beyond words, by so many more people than you know! 

2. Love is not supposed to hurt. In fact, it doesn't hurt. Please do not build up a wall against love. Although you have had more people hurt you in ways that are not describable, there are people who truly love you now, the good bad and ugly. These people are in your life right now!! Please do not push them away, they are there because God has placed them there. Satan will do everything he can to destroy the image of love in your vulnerable mind.

3. Your parents love you. They are going through very difficult things in their own lives, things that you do not know about. You will be hurt, young one....but you will also find healing.

4. Stay close to Jessy. You will always need each other. Miles may separate you, different opinions will separate you, but nothing will separate the bond that you have with your sister. You will be very close in your adult life. You do not have to see someone every day to be close to them.

5. Don't hurt yourself. Please do not fall into the trap of hating yourself. Know, with all of your heart, that Satan is out to kill, steal, and destroy you. He hates you. Love yourself, you are worth it.

6. Keep writing. Always keep writing. 

7. You will make mistakes. Get up and keep going. There is no condemnation in Christ. You will waste so much time in guilt that Jesus took to the cross. If you let it, guilt will keep you from God. Pick yourself up, let him heal you from the fall, and keep pressing on.

Poetry...

I Just realized that I had no poetry in my blog, and I have written probably hundreds over the years. Here is one that I wrote a year ago! I am so glad that God has healed me of the things that tried to destroy me.  I never title my poems because I can never seem to find a fitting title....enjoy :)

To say the past is real
Is not saying my God cannot heal
Wounds so deep, roots took place
Digging them up required raw faith
Pressing forward to new tomorrows
Letting go of deadly sorrows
The past is real, but it''s not where I live
A man on a cross all my yesterdays I give
Blood trickles down and cleanses my soul
Regardless of my past, today I am whole
I lay down the memories, the sorrow and loss
I'm living day to day
In the shadow of the cross

Just a taste.

We were blessed to receive so many invitations for different holiday dinners this year. It was wonderful to not have to cook full meals much during my two week break! I have a deep love for food! That is how I got my gorgeous figure haha! I really do though, I love food! Ask Ryan, I will slap the hand of anyone who tries touching food off of my plate! This leads us into my most recent revelation :D

Picture this, if you would:

You go to Grandma's house for dinner, the smell of ham baking in the oven and sweet corn simmering on the stove fill the air. After exchanging "Hello's" and "How are you's"....it is time to sit down and eat. Naturally you wait for the host of the dinner to say the prayer over the food, anticipation sits in the pit of your stomach. With watering mouths everyone says "Amen" in unison, as Grandma then breaks the news that you are to only taste each of the items on the table. There is more than enough food to fill everyone plus the neighbors, but you are only offered a small taste. You hesitantly serve yourself a sample portion of everything offered, eating it slowly to trick yourself into feeling fulfilled. You keep to yourself the fact that you desire more, that you are not full or satisfied. What do you do next? Do you ask for more food? Do you walk away hungry?

Here we go :)

Psalms 34:8 says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good..."
How often do we go to church expecting only a taste? God desires us to dig deeper! He offers us a taste, and beckons us to go back for more. It is indeed an option though. We have the choice to make! Have you ever been in a worship service that you didn't want to end? Why end it? Why stop before the spirit is done? We should never be satisfied. I feel so strong in my Spirit that God is saying 2015 will be a year of "more". He will pour out His spirit more than we have ever seen, we will walk in a deeper level, we will not walk away until we are full, and we will come back as soon as the hunger pains start, we won't even wait until we are starving. Just a taste is not enough for me! My soul cries for more. There is a stronger anointing on worship than ever! God is saying, "taste and see....." Naturally if you taste something that is pleasing to you, you do not just stop there. You fill up before you walk away! God is saying to His people, come closer-closer than you have ever been. Just like the illustration of dinner at Grandma's, there is more than enough food to fill every person at the table! God has so much more for His people. We have to want it, we have to chase it, we have to live and breathe it. When David wrote these words, "Taste and see that the Lord is good...", I just cannot believe that his intentions were for us to only taste, the intentions were for us to see how good God is, and for us to stay and dine.

Unbound.

Daniel 3:24-25

But suddenly, Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in amazement and exclaimed to his advisers, “Didn’t we tie up three men and throw them into the furnace?”

“Yes, Your Majesty, we certainly did,” they replied.

“Look!” Nebuchadnezzar shouted. “I see four men, unbound, walking around in the fire unharmed! And the fourth looks like a God[g]!”

Here we go. It's testimony time:

• My parents went through a very nasty divorce (not that any divorce is pleasant) when I was twelve years old. This turned my world upside down. Until this point in time, I never even heard them argue. From here on out, there wouldn't be too many school functions, birthdays, holidays, and weekend visitations that they wouldn't argue about.
• A couple years after the divorce the courts separated me from my brother and sister. Dad got custody of me, and Mom got custody of Jessy and Josh. Until this happened, us kids were all each other had that was a stability through the craziness. We would now only be together on weekends. And we would strictly follow the court orders a majority of the time. 
• This was all followed by years of confusion, self hatred, abandonment issues, self harm, and a deep hurt and anger. Things happened in both homes that we never should have had to go through. Mom shouldn't have left, she shouldn't have married an abusive man, she shouldn't have given me the responsibility of a mother and house wife. Dad shouldn't have yelled so much, shouldn't have lost his temper so often, shouldn't have slept for days at a time. There is no point into going into detailed events, but trust me, I could write a book.
• I started smoking somewhere in here...I cannot exactly remember what age, probably around 12 or 13 though. I also started taking pills. And when I couldn't get high fast enough I started snorting them. Then my "friends" told me that we were snorting the mixture of pills that we usually did, and I did my first few lines of cocaine. This terrified me, so I quit with the pills, for the most part. I also starting cutting somewhere in here. It was the only release of emotion I knew how to handle. I had control. I had been hurt by so many people around me, it only felt natural to hurt myself. I hated myself more than I hated anyone. I didn't care if I lived or died. I thought about suicide all the time. I didn't think I had any value to anyone. I saw myself as worthless. 
• To brighten things up a little, my Dad ends up getting remarried and having another child. His wife was very insistent that we had to go to church. We didn't have to like it, but we did have to go. I despised it. I had formed my opinion of church-I was somehow happy in my self hatred-I was comfortable there, comfortable and miserable at the same time. Little did I know, my future was just starting. I would meet my husband in this little, small town, Church of Christ. Through him, I started going to a Spirit Filled church. I was filled with the Holy Ghost and with that, my old habits began to fall to the wayside. For the first time in my life, I drew closer to God--I began a personal relationship with Him. I began to see myself the way He saw me. The problems at home did not get any better after I gave my life to God, but dealing with them did.
• As the addictions and habits came to an end, I had no idea how much healing I still needed. I did not see myself as God saw me. I held anger and forgiveness towards my parents, but mainly towards myself. I had to learn how to let my husband love me, and how to let God change my mindset about everything. God had to teach me that to forgive everything in my past wasn't to say that none of it happened. It was not discrediting the pain that I felt. It was taking that pain and letting it go. 
• Years later, after Ryan and I got married and even after we had children, the pain from things of my past would sneak up on me from time to time. I couldn't talk about much, and avoided confrontation with all costs. I was an adult, a wife, a mother....still fighting the demons from my childhood. I can tell you now, that at 26 years old, I am free from all of this! I can talk about my past without crying. I can look my parents in the eyes and tell them wholeheartedly that I forgive them. Trust me when I say that I tried everything under the sun before I let God heal these wounds. Even sitting in a church pew for years, I wouldn't fully give in. I tried self help books, keeping gobs of journals, hiding things from my husband....the only freedom I found was in surrendering to Jesus Christ. Giving him all of me, the good-bad-and ugly.
• There is no doubt in my mind that the reason I am here today is because I stayed in church. I fought through all of those things. I went through the fire. It was hot. I was miserable. It was intense. But I went through it. And I made it out alive. No doubt, I was not in any of that alone. I can see an image in my mind of me being in this fire, and angels saying, "Look! There she is! She isn't bound, she is in the fire but not bound by it!" 
• Someone recently told me at work that they would have never guessed about my past had I told them. That, my dear friends, is proof, that I have been through the fire, AND I DON'T EVEN SMELL LIKE SMOKE! I have been transformed. My past has no hold on my future. My past is not who I am, it is who I was. I am a NEW creation in Christ. I thank God that he brought me through the fire. 

Daniel 3:27
"Then the high officers, officials, governors, and advisers crowded around them and saw that the fire had not touched them. Not a hair on their heads was singed, and their clothing was not scorched. They didn’t even smell of smoke!"

• I wonder how people reacted when they were told this story? I can just hear it....

 "I never would have known any of that if you didn't tell me! I mean, it just doesn't seem like you could have went through any of that..."