"Dear Mandy"

I have seen so many youth lately that remind me of myself at the same age. The same battles, similar situations, some worse situations....the same mindset, the same mistakes, the same pain....the same longing for peace that they cannot find. I see the same struggle for them being in church praising God one minute, and in less than in hour they are back in the same mess they walked out of, because they really have no power or control over their environment. Such kids have grown up all too fast, and as young teenagers are running around like little adults. It took me all too long to come to the realization that God was the only one who could heal my from the pain of my childhood. Not the idea of God, not going to church every Sunday, not standing in a prayer line, not religion or religious acts....a personal relationship with the Father. I first had to learn how to see myself as God saw me, and as I learned who I was in Him, I learned I had a huge misconception of life. This is a list of things I would like to write to a younger me. I wish then I knew what I do now, I wish I knew that my life would turn out to be wonderful! I wish I knew that God had a handpicked husband for me, who would love me through all the difficulties of life. For better or for worse, I first found unconditional love in My Ryan, and through him I saw the true character of God. So, here is my letter/list of things to myself....

Dear Mandy,

1. I want to tell you that you are loved. You are loved beyond words, by so many more people than you know! 

2. Love is not supposed to hurt. In fact, it doesn't hurt. Please do not build up a wall against love. Although you have had more people hurt you in ways that are not describable, there are people who truly love you now, the good bad and ugly. These people are in your life right now!! Please do not push them away, they are there because God has placed them there. Satan will do everything he can to destroy the image of love in your vulnerable mind.

3. Your parents love you. They are going through very difficult things in their own lives, things that you do not know about. You will be hurt, young one....but you will also find healing.

4. Stay close to Jessy. You will always need each other. Miles may separate you, different opinions will separate you, but nothing will separate the bond that you have with your sister. You will be very close in your adult life. You do not have to see someone every day to be close to them.

5. Don't hurt yourself. Please do not fall into the trap of hating yourself. Know, with all of your heart, that Satan is out to kill, steal, and destroy you. He hates you. Love yourself, you are worth it.

6. Keep writing. Always keep writing. 

7. You will make mistakes. Get up and keep going. There is no condemnation in Christ. You will waste so much time in guilt that Jesus took to the cross. If you let it, guilt will keep you from God. Pick yourself up, let him heal you from the fall, and keep pressing on.

Poetry...

I Just realized that I had no poetry in my blog, and I have written probably hundreds over the years. Here is one that I wrote a year ago! I am so glad that God has healed me of the things that tried to destroy me.  I never title my poems because I can never seem to find a fitting title....enjoy :)

To say the past is real
Is not saying my God cannot heal
Wounds so deep, roots took place
Digging them up required raw faith
Pressing forward to new tomorrows
Letting go of deadly sorrows
The past is real, but it''s not where I live
A man on a cross all my yesterdays I give
Blood trickles down and cleanses my soul
Regardless of my past, today I am whole
I lay down the memories, the sorrow and loss
I'm living day to day
In the shadow of the cross

Just a taste.

We were blessed to receive so many invitations for different holiday dinners this year. It was wonderful to not have to cook full meals much during my two week break! I have a deep love for food! That is how I got my gorgeous figure haha! I really do though, I love food! Ask Ryan, I will slap the hand of anyone who tries touching food off of my plate! This leads us into my most recent revelation :D

Picture this, if you would:

You go to Grandma's house for dinner, the smell of ham baking in the oven and sweet corn simmering on the stove fill the air. After exchanging "Hello's" and "How are you's"....it is time to sit down and eat. Naturally you wait for the host of the dinner to say the prayer over the food, anticipation sits in the pit of your stomach. With watering mouths everyone says "Amen" in unison, as Grandma then breaks the news that you are to only taste each of the items on the table. There is more than enough food to fill everyone plus the neighbors, but you are only offered a small taste. You hesitantly serve yourself a sample portion of everything offered, eating it slowly to trick yourself into feeling fulfilled. You keep to yourself the fact that you desire more, that you are not full or satisfied. What do you do next? Do you ask for more food? Do you walk away hungry?

Here we go :)

Psalms 34:8 says, "Taste and see that the Lord is good..."
How often do we go to church expecting only a taste? God desires us to dig deeper! He offers us a taste, and beckons us to go back for more. It is indeed an option though. We have the choice to make! Have you ever been in a worship service that you didn't want to end? Why end it? Why stop before the spirit is done? We should never be satisfied. I feel so strong in my Spirit that God is saying 2015 will be a year of "more". He will pour out His spirit more than we have ever seen, we will walk in a deeper level, we will not walk away until we are full, and we will come back as soon as the hunger pains start, we won't even wait until we are starving. Just a taste is not enough for me! My soul cries for more. There is a stronger anointing on worship than ever! God is saying, "taste and see....." Naturally if you taste something that is pleasing to you, you do not just stop there. You fill up before you walk away! God is saying to His people, come closer-closer than you have ever been. Just like the illustration of dinner at Grandma's, there is more than enough food to fill every person at the table! God has so much more for His people. We have to want it, we have to chase it, we have to live and breathe it. When David wrote these words, "Taste and see that the Lord is good...", I just cannot believe that his intentions were for us to only taste, the intentions were for us to see how good God is, and for us to stay and dine.

Unbound.

Daniel 3:24-25

But suddenly, Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in amazement and exclaimed to his advisers, “Didn’t we tie up three men and throw them into the furnace?”

“Yes, Your Majesty, we certainly did,” they replied.

“Look!” Nebuchadnezzar shouted. “I see four men, unbound, walking around in the fire unharmed! And the fourth looks like a God[g]!”

Here we go. It's testimony time:

• My parents went through a very nasty divorce (not that any divorce is pleasant) when I was twelve years old. This turned my world upside down. Until this point in time, I never even heard them argue. From here on out, there wouldn't be too many school functions, birthdays, holidays, and weekend visitations that they wouldn't argue about.
• A couple years after the divorce the courts separated me from my brother and sister. Dad got custody of me, and Mom got custody of Jessy and Josh. Until this happened, us kids were all each other had that was a stability through the craziness. We would now only be together on weekends. And we would strictly follow the court orders a majority of the time. 
• This was all followed by years of confusion, self hatred, abandonment issues, self harm, and a deep hurt and anger. Things happened in both homes that we never should have had to go through. Mom shouldn't have left, she shouldn't have married an abusive man, she shouldn't have given me the responsibility of a mother and house wife. Dad shouldn't have yelled so much, shouldn't have lost his temper so often, shouldn't have slept for days at a time. There is no point into going into detailed events, but trust me, I could write a book.
• I started smoking somewhere in here...I cannot exactly remember what age, probably around 12 or 13 though. I also started taking pills. And when I couldn't get high fast enough I started snorting them. Then my "friends" told me that we were snorting the mixture of pills that we usually did, and I did my first few lines of cocaine. This terrified me, so I quit with the pills, for the most part. I also starting cutting somewhere in here. It was the only release of emotion I knew how to handle. I had control. I had been hurt by so many people around me, it only felt natural to hurt myself. I hated myself more than I hated anyone. I didn't care if I lived or died. I thought about suicide all the time. I didn't think I had any value to anyone. I saw myself as worthless. 
• To brighten things up a little, my Dad ends up getting remarried and having another child. His wife was very insistent that we had to go to church. We didn't have to like it, but we did have to go. I despised it. I had formed my opinion of church-I was somehow happy in my self hatred-I was comfortable there, comfortable and miserable at the same time. Little did I know, my future was just starting. I would meet my husband in this little, small town, Church of Christ. Through him, I started going to a Spirit Filled church. I was filled with the Holy Ghost and with that, my old habits began to fall to the wayside. For the first time in my life, I drew closer to God--I began a personal relationship with Him. I began to see myself the way He saw me. The problems at home did not get any better after I gave my life to God, but dealing with them did.
• As the addictions and habits came to an end, I had no idea how much healing I still needed. I did not see myself as God saw me. I held anger and forgiveness towards my parents, but mainly towards myself. I had to learn how to let my husband love me, and how to let God change my mindset about everything. God had to teach me that to forgive everything in my past wasn't to say that none of it happened. It was not discrediting the pain that I felt. It was taking that pain and letting it go. 
• Years later, after Ryan and I got married and even after we had children, the pain from things of my past would sneak up on me from time to time. I couldn't talk about much, and avoided confrontation with all costs. I was an adult, a wife, a mother....still fighting the demons from my childhood. I can tell you now, that at 26 years old, I am free from all of this! I can talk about my past without crying. I can look my parents in the eyes and tell them wholeheartedly that I forgive them. Trust me when I say that I tried everything under the sun before I let God heal these wounds. Even sitting in a church pew for years, I wouldn't fully give in. I tried self help books, keeping gobs of journals, hiding things from my husband....the only freedom I found was in surrendering to Jesus Christ. Giving him all of me, the good-bad-and ugly.
• There is no doubt in my mind that the reason I am here today is because I stayed in church. I fought through all of those things. I went through the fire. It was hot. I was miserable. It was intense. But I went through it. And I made it out alive. No doubt, I was not in any of that alone. I can see an image in my mind of me being in this fire, and angels saying, "Look! There she is! She isn't bound, she is in the fire but not bound by it!" 
• Someone recently told me at work that they would have never guessed about my past had I told them. That, my dear friends, is proof, that I have been through the fire, AND I DON'T EVEN SMELL LIKE SMOKE! I have been transformed. My past has no hold on my future. My past is not who I am, it is who I was. I am a NEW creation in Christ. I thank God that he brought me through the fire. 

Daniel 3:27
"Then the high officers, officials, governors, and advisers crowded around them and saw that the fire had not touched them. Not a hair on their heads was singed, and their clothing was not scorched. They didn’t even smell of smoke!"

• I wonder how people reacted when they were told this story? I can just hear it....

 "I never would have known any of that if you didn't tell me! I mean, it just doesn't seem like you could have went through any of that..."

Freedom.

Something is stirring in my spirit, and I have to get this out! I felt like I could have preached up a storm today, and let me be the first to tell you that this Mama don't preach! Something rose up in me during our worship service, and it has just been bubbling inside me ever since. We sing a song by The Vertical Church Band titled Going Free. It is a pretty up beat song, here is some of the lyrics:

Go on and speak against my borrowed innocence
The judge is my defense, I'm going free
Right when the gavel fell, I heard the freedom bell
Ring through the heart of hell, I'm going free
I’m going free

Glory, glory, hallelujah
You threw my shackles in the sea
Glory, glory, hallelujah
Jesus is my liberty
I'm going free

In case you are reading this and haven't read any of my recent entries, I will fill you in on something Jesus and I have been discussing! I have this obsession lately of really digging into song lyrics. I have been burdened with how intimate worship should be. It should never just be a going through the motions act (not saying that it never gets that way, come on now...we are human). As we were singing this today, I started thinking about my freedom. It says "Glory, glory, hallelujah, You threw my shackles in the sea" -- STOP! Here is where I start to get excited! I'm getting all giddy right now just writing this! Worship is intimate, and it is corporate yes, but it is oh so personal. As I was belting this out I got to thinking of the things in my past that have bound me. Oh yes. You see, I have had shackles binding me. I have been through things that nobody knows about. I have fought battles that I have never spoken a word of to a single living soul. God has delivered me from so much....and the only one who knows is my Jesus. He is the only one who knows EXACTLY what I am saying when I shout "Glory, glory, hallelujah, You threw my shackles in the sea!!!!".....and going on to sing..."Right when the gavel fell, I heard the FREEDOM bell, ring through the heart of hell I'm going free!!!"....Oh hallelujah!!! How in the world can a person sing this song and not want to SHOUT??!!! I was bound, and now I am free!! The things that used to trip me up do not have that hold on me any more! 

About six months ago I started praying that I would be able to be more sensitive to the spirit. Sometimes I just feel like I do not know how to be emotional. I longed to be able to get into a place in worship where I could cry, maybe because tears are proof of feeling something-a sign of life. I just have a tough personality, I am not easily moved by things. God is moving though, I cannot hardly get through a song service where I do not cry. God is softening my heart. As I type these words I am desperate to describe what it means to me that God is changing me. Words seem to be failing me as of now, because I just cannot describe what I am feeling in my spirit. I am free! I guess to really know true freedom, we have to have been bound at some point. I'm beginning to ramble, possibly because it is almost two in the morning :D 

I'm going to wrap things up here. I praise God that I can truly say that He has thrown my shackles in the sea, and I have no desire to go swimming after them (isn't it odd that we tend to chase what bogs us down?). The battles I have fought I never fought alone. God knows the depths of the things that I have faced. He knows how far I have come in Him. I'm going deeper, something is stirring up in me! 

Jesus Loves Me

This morning as I was praying on my way to work, the song Jesus Loves Me popped into my head. It was stuck in my head all day. Allow me to bring back to your remembrance the lyrics to the song every one I know learned as a child.

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
I am weak but he is strong

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so

I do not think I have ever really payed any attention to the powerful words of this song until about ten minutes ago while I was scrubbing the boys toilet. Side note, isn't it funny when we hear God speaking to us? I was cleaning the nasty pee ring Nikolai leaves behind because he cannot aim. And right there, with my hands in muck, God spoke.

I do not remember a time when I did not know this song. How is it possible that I have never let these words sink it? I honestly just thought it was "me" thinking of this simple tune this morning. I think God was trying to tell me something. -- Wait for it. -- Jesus loves me. How do I know? I know because the Bible tells me so. JESUS LOVES ME! Come on now, I cannot be the only person who forgets how much I am loved. I cannot be the only person who has heard this song 900,000 times and just now listened to it. How true it is, I am weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves ME.

I hear people (in and out of church) talking about how God isn't here or there, could it be that we are spreading God, but we just aren't paying attention to it? Could it be that we as a church should go back to the basics of Christianity? Really, have we sat back while some of the basics of our foundation were being watered down? Jesus loves me....It was sang over me well before I knew the depth or pain of any love that Jesus loves me. It is such a personal song. We serve such a personal God. He doesn't look down on us in disgust, he looks down on us in love.

If you take anything away from this post, let it be this. Think of five songs that you remember from church when you were little. Write down the names and Google the lyrics if you have to. Do we really know what we are singing? Now think of five songs you have sang in church the last month. Look at the lyrics. Praise and worship is meant to be so much deeper and more personal than we make it. These are the cries of our heart going up as a sweet fragrance to the God of the universe.

For the Bible tells me so. No complicated questions asked. No theologians needed. Simply because the Bible tells us so. Teach me more simplicity God. Maybe that is what I am lacking.

Raw emotions. This is my heart tonight (this morning).

Let me just start out by saying that this will not be a happy, fluffy post. I do not even wish to portray what I need to say in such a fashion. I am angry. Fed up. Disgusted. Enraged. Furious. Irate. I am done. I am so sick of people I love dearly going through hell. I mean hell. Satan is a liar. He holds no truth. Zip, zilch, notta. He also holds no authority over God's people! No authority. Go ahead, read that one more time....NO AUTHORITY!!! I am drawing a line in the sand. I serve a mighty God who has all authority, and through Him I also hold great power. I refuse to sit back and watch Satan tear apart finances, families, dreams and personal relationships any longer. I will intercede on their behalf. We are to hold one another up in prayer in these times of great trials. Lord knows I have been on the holding up end of things more often than I would like to admit.

When I started this new job, one of the things that was difficult for me to grasp was that my position holds a lot of authority. I make the calls. People come to me for answers. I had very little confidence in my ability to call the shots. The longer I am there, the more comfortable I become in my position of authority. God showed me that this lesson was not only in the natural, but in the spiritual aspect as well. I have never seen myself as anyone with spiritual authority. I come from a mess of a background, didn't spend my entire life in church, I don't sing or play any instruments....but God has not called me to do any of those things. He has called me to use my past brokenness to help put others back together. I know what rejection feels like. I know what loneliness feels like. At one point I defined self hatred. I have been close to ending my own life. I have been so numb to pain that I refuse to feel anything. I know how to pray for these people. I was once in their shoes. God has called me to use authority over Satan. He has called me to pray over the painful areas in peoples lives that are rooted into who Satan wants them to think they are. He has given me a sensitivity to situations that seem hopeless.

The cry of my heart at one in the morning:

Lord I come to you, and I thank you that you have equipped me God. You have called me and prepared me for such a time as this. I command Satan to loose his hand off of my family. I speak salvation over my family members who need it. I speak deliverance where it is needed. I speak peace over every situation going on in my life right now. I place this all in Your hands Lord. I speak peace over my Husband and his career. We only want what you want for us Lord. I pray a calmness over my sister in law. I pray healing to the relationships in that situation. I thank you God for stirring me in the middle of the night. I pray financial breakthrough over my in-laws. I pray health over my in-laws. I command diabetes, high blood pressure, and arthritis, any blood clots and heart problems to go in Jesus name. I thank you God that Grandma will have a quick recovery from surgery. I pray peace over her as she prepares for this big event in her life. I thank you Lord that the Dr. will see Your hand at work in Grandma's recovery. I thank you Lord for stirring up this Holy anger in me. I thank you for the authority over the enemy that you have placed upon me. I thank you for your blood, Lord. Oh the precious blood of Jesus.