Have you thought about your thoughts lately?

There is so much I want to say in this post that I cannot even type fast enough. My brain is running at least 8,000 miles an hour. This might be long, but I really need to have this in writing. There is a sequence of things that have happened in my life lately, good and bad....and God has shown me so much through each event.

For those of you who do not know, our youngest son (5), was admitted to Nationwide Children's Hospital this month, we were there for just under one week. Nikolai was very sick, with a rare diagnosis of Kawaski Syndrome. Over the course of a week and being misdiagnosed twice, he ran a fever that hung out between 101-104.9 for almost six days. He had a horrible rash all over his entire body. His eyes were red, no white to them at all, and his eyelids and all the skin surrounding his eyes was read and inflamed. His hands were very swollen, at one point he could not grasp anything. Vomiting. No appetite. Very tired, no energy at all. His lips were dry and cracked and nearly bleeding, the inside of his mouth was just one big sore, making it very painful to eat anything.

Through ALL of this, I knew that God had his hand over us. There was no doubt in my mind that Nikolai would be fine, we would just give him the IV medicine he needed and go home and he would be better. I hadn't even thought of any other possibilities. Then, they told us that there was a chance that he could have permanent heart damage.  I have no idea why, but that was a gut punch for me. For some reason, all I could do was doubt. I started thinking about life with these issues, and the more I thought about it the worse my fears became. I was making up scenarios in my mind that had not happened, nor would they. All of his heart test came back fine, we just follow up every so often. As I prayed through the week, with plenty of free time sitting in the hospital with bubby, God said to me, "Don't you think I am able to touch his heart? When these thoughts start, cast them down. If you don't, the thoughts will torment and control you."

I have always heard (and even said)..."Well, I'm not even going to entertain that thought..." It is one of those church sayings we all say, but I don't think we have any idea what we are saying. It means, I know this thought isn't from God, I don' have time to deal with this, I'm not going to put my energy into wondering what if.....

How many of our fears and problems come from simple thoughts that we let run rampant? As I started doing this, praying the second a nasty thought would come to my mind about my sons health, I started to realize how many other areas I let torment me in general. All by my thoughts. Thoughts that get rooted into who we are, thoughts that turn into actions.

I have always been afraid of everything.
*I am terrified of heights, but I've never fallen.
*I am terrified to drive or ride on the highway, and a nervous driver in general--I have constant anxiety in the car that I might get into an accident.....but I have never been in one.
* I am always afraid that Ry will stop loving me, but he never has.
* I am terrified of rocking chairs, I hate the feeling of falling backwards....but I have never fallen backwards in any kind of furniture before.
* I am afraid of deep water, and I have never drowned.
* I am scared of bridges, I have yet to have one collapse with me on it.

These are things off the top of my head. As I have been praying and listening to what God has been showing me through this, I noticed that 97% of my fears are things that I have never experienced. So, the only way these fears were formed was from entertaining thoughts that something bad is always going to happen. I was sickened by how many times in one day the thought entered my mind that I could die today. Just driving down the road, the phrase runs through my mind.."what if..."

Here is an example of the route these thoughts take once they get started, in narrative form.

I am driving home from work, it is sunny and the weather is not a concerning factor. I see a semi off in a distance, and instantly--I wonder, what if that truck driver hasn't slept in 12 hours and he falls asleep at the wheel, and the timing was just right that he hit my car head on. Would I feel anything? Yes. I would be in horrible pain. It might even kill me. Then my kids wouldn't have a mother. My husband wouldn't have a wife. Would Ryan get remarried? I cannot think about him with another woman. Would the boys remember me? Would someone else take my place as mom? I hate the thought of not being here for them, and the thought of them calling someone else mom. I call Ryan, trying to distract the crazy things bouncing around in my noggin, when he doesn't answer his phone. Instantly, my heart drops to my butt, and I am certain that something horrible has happened. His car got hit on the way home from work. I hope he isn't mad at me, what if he is ignoring my call on purpose. What was the last thing he said to me today, I hope that wasn't the last thing I will ever hear from him. What would I want our last words to each other be? If something horrible has happened I will print out all the emails and text I have to keep his memory alive.

This is raw guys. This is literally what I deal with all day long. These thoughts are always there, constant, and as I portrayed above, they feed off of one another. So, this week I really felt convicted about controlling these thoughts. They are not from God. Psalms 91 speaks protection over my family. We are covered by the blood of Jesus. Nikolai's heart is fine, Jesus bore stripes to save my sons life--so that he can walk in freedom. If it doesn't make you feel anything to think that Jesus died for YOU, think of what he went through to save our children!!!  I believe that there is a spirit of fear and torment running crazy in young people today. Sin starts with a simple thought, that is not controlled.

If you are reading this, my prayer for you is that God would teach you how to control your thoughts, and that He would show you what thoughts are sneaking around in the background as torment. We are to think on things that are good, lovely, pure, and holy....