Rest.

I started writing this afternoon with no intentions on this going where it did....but maybe I went here for a reason? I just began describing the power of God in worship. The power of deliverance from emotional pain, just the power of God in general.....so, for whatever reason, here you go :)


The voices that surround me declare a song of victory, while something inside me begins to stir. The room grows smaller as a knot in my stomach increases in strength. Sweat beads form on my forehead as my hands begin to secrete a similar substance. My knees are shaking and my fingers feel numb, my stomach is now in my throat. I have longed for this time for as long as I can remember, and suddenly I want to back away quietly, unseen. I know that freedom is just around the corner, and that I am right where I need to be.  But I cannot help but toy with the idea that my problems are mine. Torment screams in my mind, reminding me that as much as I hate these chains, they are a part of me. I am suddenly not sure that I want to simply give them away, because I have been defined by them for so long. Who would I be without these burdens that have become my silent cohort? Where would I find my identity? Confusion attempts to fill my mind.

Something in the atmosphere is quickly changing. The music flows with such serenity from the team leading us.  The spirit of the Lord falls stronger. I have never felt this before, but I know it has to be Him. I feel my need over riding the thoughts and confusion, the need to let this all go. A new desire burns in me beckoning me to walk away from this false identity that has been handed to me. Such a terrifying thought, but the peace that is invading me at this very moment seems to seep deep into the cracks and crevices of who I thought I was. I think I might be letting go. The very thought of freedom makes me tremble, while my eyes fill with tears.

An internal battle continues. I do not want the attention to be on me, I do not want to seem weak. Lord knows to fight the battles I have faced, weakness is not a quality that I carry, it was never even an option. Someone had to be strong, I never even saw myself fading away until I was already gone. I honestly do not remember a time before now that I felt anything. Maybe that is why I am bursting at the seems here, trying to figure out what this is tugging at me, making it impossible to hold back tears. I have never felt so vulnerable, falling apart into the arms of One that I cannot see.

Without explanation, without thought, without a warning....tears begin to race down my face. Tears of pain that I had never before freed. Tears of memories that have haunted me, suddenly being released in the presence of a God that I never knew. I knew the stories, I knew the church talk...but I had never known a love like this. I never felt how personal God could be, how intimate. I never grasped the fact that Jesus chose the cross for me, so that I wouldn't have to carry the weight of my circumstances myself. It was never my job to carry the weight of my parents mistakes, of my sisters deep pain, of the childhood that I never had. It was never meant for me to carry the pain of sexual abuse, of an uncertain future, or of years of being told nobody would ever love me. I let the chains fall off, I let the pain subside......

I raise my hands in surrender, falling to my knees trembling because the power of God is simply all consuming. I completely fall apart. It doesn't even matter to me that there are people around, the musicians continue to draw the Spirit that is breaking me. I had to be broken, because I was being held together with false condemnation. While being broken I was also being meticulously put back together by a bond as thick as blood. I was being made whole for the first time in my life. I could not stop weeping while emotions oozed through every fiber of my being.

I simply felt God speak to me, "This is all you ever had to do, just surrender. I will do the rest. Just do not pick these things back up. When these things creep up on you, and they will....speak the power of my blood. Satan no longer has any authority over you. Just rest in me."

Peace.

I love sitting outside in the cool spring air. Mount Victory is probably as close as you could get to living in the country, without actually living in the country. The sound of horses hooves clank on the asphalt as the Amish head home from a long day out on the field. The frogs in some distance harmonize with the crickets and the gentle breeze, developing a melody that cannot be scripted. The train a few miles away whistles a familiar tune while the rest of the town is sound asleep. Chirping, tweeting, screeching, croaking...the music draws sleep to my weary mind. My Creator whispers to me the promises of renewed mercy and grace that will rise as surely as the sun. Love envelopes me at the realization that my Heavenly Father is conducting a symphony that He wrote just for me. A symphony that carries peace, a peace that fills the cracks in the weak areas of my life. As the train draws closer to the tracks at the end of my street, my eyes fall heavy with sleep. Tomorrows worries will not keep me awake tonight, because tonight....I'm resting in the presence of the Holy One.

It's The Little Things...

I love this time change! I look forward to waking up to the early sunlight! As my eyes adjust from sleep to life, I stumble out of bed. I love the early morning glow, and the peace that abides in the sunrise. I fight so hard to get up to enjoy this time, and although I long for it I find myself fighting it daily. It is so easy to hit snooze one more time, and get up in a hurry.

There truly is a peace in sitting outside before the rest of the house is stirring. Sipping coffee on the front porch, admiring God's artwork. This quiet time with the Father is like a drenching water to my dry-worn out mind. Daily tasks pull so much out of us, not in a bad sense, just in a realistic one. Setting aside time every day where you can really connect is so important. I talk to God, I listen for Him....I just sit in His presence. Really, it's better than coffee alone. Starting my day with coffee and Jesus, it just doesn't get any better.

The stillness and peace that I find in the early morning hours cannot be compared to anything. It gives me time to feel the cool breeze against my skin, and the goosebumps that rise from the chill. The sweet smell of a new day fills the surrounding atmosphere with an intoxicating scent. In this I think of the daily renewed mercy and grace freely given to me. I notice the little things that I do not see or think of any other time of the day. The sound of the birds shouting their declaration of praise rings in my ears, such a pristine song they sing. Watching the squirrels play with one another, running up and down the tree. I find such serenity in all of this.

I often leave pennies on the table for my five year old. I do not tell him they are there, he finds them and grabs them with the biggest grin on his face. My seven year old loves fruit roll ups, I occasionally sneak a box into the house and randomly give him a pack for lunch. We never talk about these little things, but I know that they could be in the worst mood, and one of these little gestures can turn their day around. In the minds of my children these things are just there, they have no idea that I placed them there only to see them smile. They do not realize that there was thought behind it, that the gifts were tailored to their personalities and desires. They do not know that I prayed for them when I hid a surprise in their path.

When I really think about my morning Daddy Daughter date with the King, I correlate the little things that bless me with the little things I leave for my kids. It isn't anything huge. It isn't anything anybody else would even notice as a "gift", but things that just make me grin. I love squirrels, I know it's weird, they are a dime a dozen in Ohio. When I wake up in the morning I am a hot mess, I'm cranky and totally not a morning person! But when I step outside and see the squirrels playing or gaze into the masterpiece of a sunrise, I thank God for drawing my attention to such things. My thinking becomes clearer-my mood lightens-soon I'm praying-soon I'm praising. In this time I see God's blessings trickle like rain over my life. I take time to notice the small things.

It isn't long before I wake everyone up, make lunches, argue about the morning routine, half-way put myself together for work (attempting to look a little better than homeless). It is not long before the enemy sneaks in, my attitude tries to change, anger tries to take root. Things get crazy fast, but I have that peace digesting in my soul. It is God's gift to me for giving Him the first fruits of my day. I am not perfect. I do not do this everyday, but God is beckoning me to make Him a part of my morning routine.

Do you spend daily time with God? How do you set time aside each day?

Insecurities

Why update my blog at nearly one o'clock in the morning? For several reasons....

1. My five year old son decided he wanted a midnight snack, an apple....that we have been talking about for 30 minutes now. We have discussed the "beans" (seeds), and how the skin on the apple will make him grow hair on his arms and legs faster. It is funny how he will believe anything I tell him! He immediately asked if I ate the skin on my apples...(because I do not have hair on my legs)...this kid does not miss a beat!!
2. My brain tends to have a "heart-to-heart" with my heart...after midnight! If I don't write what I'm thinking, I'll lose it!!! Who really needs sleep anyways?
3. More than once tonight, this same topic has come up in my household....if we need it, then I kinda figure maybe you guys do too.
4. Oh, and according to my son....the reason it gets dark at night is because there is a man riding a horse that hands God a magic stick and the dust from the magic stick makes the horse dark...making the sky dark. Obviously. I just thought I would throw that in there as a freebie for you, I typed it word for word, right out of his mouth. One last thing he says you HAVE to know, you may not touch the magic stick, because we are giants and it would break! Mickey Mouse, Donald, and Pluto, and the Ninja Turtles can touch it though (talk about life being unfair!!) 

Anyways, back on track....

All I have to share with you tonight is what has been on my heart. I see this in my personal walk with God, and in those around me. It came up in conversation tonight how easy it is to give advice, but how hard it can be to follow it. Here it is:

Insecurity - 

uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.

OR

the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.

There are two definitions (above), from Webster's Dictionary for the word  insecure or insecurity. I have noticed lately how much I have been attacked (in my mind) in areas where I struggle with insecurity. Satan will gain a foot hold wherever he can! The first definition of the word is what we typically think of when we hear it. Insecurity being a lack of confidence, or even an anxiety about oneself. I knew that before I even typed the word into Google. But the second definition quickly caught my attention, and was nothing I had thought of before.

The second definition is, "lack of protection"

I am grinning ear to ear right now. I'm thinking, "Oh, Lord....I see where this is going!"

Insecurities in our life are areas that we have not allowed God to touch. They start so small, but they fester so quickly!! It is not God's intent for us to feel insecure. Just as the definition says, an insecurity is an area with a lack of protection. 

Spiritually, these insecurities are just that. Areas that are painful to us, we try to mend on our own. We cannot possibly protect ourselves though! We have to have the right equipment to make a full recovery. God is the only one who can touch a tender sore, and make it whole. We can baby it and love it all we want (why are our insecurities often a security blanket??) God wants us to give ourselves to him freely. He will not invade places that he is not wanted. We need to pray daily, holding nothing back. He knows us so intimately. He knows what stresses us out, what gets us down, what hurts and has hurt in the past.  If we do not give these areas to God, they are unprotected territory. The enemy will invade this space and fill it with as much junk as he can. Too often, we take the bait.

Think of a scab. It hasn't hurt in a long time, you actually kind of forgot that it was even there. Then, you break that thick barrier, even with a tiny little prick, it suddenly starts to hurt again. Now that there is light shed on it, reminding you of it's existence, it's easy to pick at it. Then it starts bleeding again,  Without immediate attention, infection will set in and the skin around the area dies.

Insecurities are not much different. They are areas that we often do not even realize are problems. Until, something happens to remind us that it's there. As soon as we realize that it hurts, we don't just leave it alone, we pick at it! We think about it from every viewpoint possible, then we let it control our thoughts and eventually our actions. Do you realize that an insecurity can throw you completely off course?

I said all of this to say:
We should be asking God daily to protect every area of our life, because any place that is not protected will inevitably become invaded.

I feel like God is saying that it is time to clean out the closet. Get rid of what no longer fits. We were made new creatures when we accepted Christ, so not everything that used to fit will fit now. Lay down your old burdens, allow God to be your protector!!  

My prayer for you is that God would show you where the weaknesses are in your spiritual walk. I pray that you would find the road to freedom, that God would bind up these unprotected territories in your life. I am beyond grateful for the insecurities that I have been healed from, and the ones that are falling to the way side as I type this. The Word says that, "by his stripes, we ARE healed"...it doesn't say we "will be healed", or "might be healed", it says we "are healed"!! I pray that you walk fourth in that healing, in Jesus name!

The depth of a miracle....

Since I have been updating my blog more, and you all are reading it (I can't believe your're reading MY blog..anyways)....I have really been seeking God and praying that he would show me what to write about. I have always prayed about my writing, but I have never felt such a strong leading. I do not know if I will always post devotional type articles, but this is what is on my heart on this beautiful, warm (40 degrees, gotta love Ohio) Saturday afternoon. I pray that this comes at an appointed time for you! I believe in an on time word!! I will give you the scripture references I am using, but I will paraphrase the stories a little (please don't get mad at me.) I linked the scripture in case you wanted it in front of you, New Living Translation :)

Mathew 14:13-14 (paraphrased) 
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2014&version=NLT

Let me set the scene for you here, just a little bit. Jesus had just heard the news that John was beheaded. I believe that Jesus felt the same emotions that we do. He felt grief, that gut punched feeling that takes your breath when you get bad news. I cannot imagine hearing that a good ministry friend of mine had lost their head (literally). Jesus went off in a boat to be alone, but people heard where he was and they began to gather. When he saw the huge crowd, the word says that he, "Felt compassion for them, and healed their sick."

• He had just received horrible news and wanted to be alone. Have you ever felt that way, when things get crazy and every body wants something from you....we want to lock ourselves away from people. We honestly want a pity party, to sit and stew on how bad our current situation is. 
• Hello?! This was a huge loss to Jesus!! This spirit of isolation and loneliness is nothing new, it is our flesh trying to rear it's ugly head. I think that for a minute, Jesus dealt with the same feelings. As he was coming to the shore, he saw that people had followed him, because they needed him. They needed his touch, his presence, his peace. When Jesus saw the people gathering, he felt compassion for them. Did you hear that?? He felt compassion for them! That my friends, is what I want you to take away from all of this rambling. 
• This is not the only situation where Jesus could have very well told the people, "Not now guys, I'm sorry, can you come back tomorrow? I've had a horrible day..."
• ...he could have said, "I just need to be alone!! Will you stop following me?!" This response sounds like me. I'm sorry, I get that way with my kids, other peoples kids, my job at times....it feels like everyone needs a little piece of me and there is nothing left at the end of the day for me. Is that pride? Selfishness? Jesus did not respond this way!!
• Instead, he pushed through his grief, because he knew that he had a calling! I do not think it took him any time at all to decide that he was going to get up out of the boat and go meet the needs of the people that were anxiously awaiting his arrival. He saw the need of others, and lost track of his own grief. 
• The people that were waiting had no idea what news he had just received, and he didn't go up to them crying about his day before he prayed with them. He put them before himself, not so people would see it, but because that is just his character. Jesus had the ability to not be controlled by his emotions, but solely by the Spirit of God. 

Mathew 14:15-21 (paraphrased)

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2014&version=NLT

This leads in to the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand. The disciples, knowing of what was going on behind the scenes, tried to send the crowd away, because it was getting late, and they knew that he was exhausted. Jesus tells them though, that everyone there would eat. He knew what food was available. He knew what it looked like, but without hesitation he encouraged the large group to sit down and prepare to dine. Can you imagine trying to coral a group that size?? 

• As Jesus was brought the five loaves of bread, and prayed over them --the natural eye saw that there was enough food for everyone!! I believe that this was symbolic though, in a spiritual sense, and Jesus knew it. 
• He later calls himself the bread of life. There is no coincidence that bread was one of the two things they had to serve. Jesus was showing the disciples that although he was only one person, exhausted, tired, sad....scared.....there was more than enough of him to go around! 
• Just as Jesus continued pulling pieces of bread off of these five loaves, he constantly gives himself to us. Enough to fill us up, not tease us! There was more than enough bread to feed everyone, and there is enough of Jesus for each of us.
• Most times, when there is a miracle--there is a ripple effect. The people who were fed were blessed to see the miracle right in front of them..to eat not only a small portion, but to eat until they couldn't possibly eat any more..that is the big, obvious message in this story...the ripple effect though....was what the disciples saw. 
• They saw Jesus giving himself freely and fully, they knew him personally. They knew his temperament, his tone, his mannerisms.  They saw the depths of what Jesus was doing. 
• To further make my last point...here is a personal example: I have seen first hand the struggles my husband has faced in getting his teaching license....not everyone sees the struggle though! People see that he has his Master's Degree and are over joyed for us, but because I know my husband personally, that degree and license mean so much more to me than to those other people. I saw the sacrifices he made, the stress and frustration that he endured. I saw the hard work.
• In the same sense, the disciples were touched in a different way by the miracles Jesus performed. 

It is a fight...

Ephesians 6:12

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

I have been attacked lately. My son was very sick and spent a week in the hospital, anxiety attacks have tried to invade my mind, medical diagnoses have crept up on me, nightmares have been interrupting my sleep....

I have to be honest with you, and tell you that a part of me wants to feels defeated. Part of me wants to become numb to everything and expect bad news. Lay down and just cry and never get back up. Yes, there is something in me that feels like this would be a realistic solution.  

But....

But there is still a part of me that is alive and on fire. This part of me says to trust the faithful one. It is a place deep in my spirit that will not let me accept defeat. I cannot stray too far from my identity found in Christ. This part of me begs for me to press on, to keep praying, fighting and believing.  It is more of an existence, a part of me, it is truth in the purest form that cannot be tainted. We have to keep in mind that we are fighting a spiritual war. When we are attacked spiritually, we need to fight back spiritually. Circumstances change from day to day, people change....but God never changes! He has never once changed the way he has felt about me. 

1st John 4:4

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.

The spirit inside of me is greater than the spirit that lives in the world! This is an exciting statement. It is in these times of trial though, that this verse speaks the most truth to me.  We have to fight against the enemy, not on our own but with the help of the Holy Spirit. In my weakness, he is made strong. The Spirit of God overpowers the thoughts that the enemy tries to entangle me in. I am thankful to know the voice of God in my life. I am thankful that I am victorious, that no weapon formed against me can prosper, that I walk in power and love and a sound mind. 

Truth is....

I try so hard to be patient. To act like I'm not falling a part on the inside. I try to be the Mom that I always said I would be. I try not to yell. I try not to get so overwhelmed. I try to keep it all together. I try to keep the house clean, the laundry done, and dinner made on time. I try to clean the kitchen as soon as everyone is finished eating. I try to be a loving wife. I try to laugh when I simply feel like nothing is even worth smiling over. I try to hide the way I really feel, because as a Christian woman, I should just give it all to God and let him make me whole. The fact that I have given everything I know to lay down, and still feel this way is beyond me. I try to smile when I feel like my lungs are collapsing. I try to go to the grocery store like it isn't the most stress inducing activity I can imagine. I try to act like noise doesn't make the walls close in faster. I try to drive confidently and act like the tormenting thoughts are not flying through my head at highway speeds. I turn up my worship music as loud as I can to drown it all out. All of it.

The truth is....

I am exhausted, physically and mentally. I am sad and angry, happy and excited all at the same time. I cannot sleep. I get overwhelmed at the drop of a hat. I feel like I have absolutely no control over my emotions. I feel like I have no control over anything.  One minute I am fine, and with no warning....I am in over my head. My
heart races, my palms get sweaty, I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Sometimes this lasts the rest of the day, and other times it goes as quickly as it came.

Some days though, I really do have it all together. Life doesn't make it hard for me to breathe, I can go and go and go without thinking twice about it. I can get everything done and still smile when then second I sit down somebody asks me to get them something. I actually, on these days, love that I am needed and that I am so well rounded that I can do everything. I find satisfaction in keeping up with housework. I love the sound of my kids laughter and joyful screams filling my house. These are the days I feel like myself. I love these days!! On these days, I can breathe.

I know that I know that I know that God could take this from me. I believe in healing and deliverance. I have given myself to him completely. I have been freed from so many other things. I have seen addictions just fall off, deep rooted hurts dissolve, and broken hearts mended (all of these in my own life)! I am believing for healing. In whatever form God sends it. I want to feel like I am in control of who I am from day to day.

That is all.